I really miss you more than you could ever know. Our house, doesn't even feel like a home without you being here.
The last 18 months or so felt like so much more time has passed by than that, feels like a million years. I can't even fathom what you must think. We didn't give in and we tried to fight. I can't breathe sometimes because I can't see you or hear your voice. It's been hard, and I'm struggling but I just can't seem to get right. I see you both everytime I actually try to close my eyes, and I wake up crying wishing I could at least hold you one more time. This is killing me so I know it hasn't been any easier for you. Both of you are always in my heart, in my daily prayers and constantly on my mind. I desperately want a do over but time is not something someone can ever rewind. I'm still out there searching for something. It's probably something I know I'll never find. I am not myself not
the way I was when you were here I think I am losing my mind. I push harder than I ever have trying to keep myself able to keep moving on, yet I feel I am still falling behind. My heart, was ripped right from my chest while it was still beating strong. Even more time will pass before I will be able to see you again. I hope I can hold out that long. No one in this world could ever love you more than me and your dad. My only regrets in life are the fact that behind some bullshit all my kids have been hurt so damn bad. I have a hard time looking in the mirror I hate myself and
I am still fighting mad. Nothing can erase the memories I have of us but sometimes when I look back, I just can not help feeling sad. I wanted you to know that no matter what it was that went wrong no matter where it is you end up, it is here with us that you belong. Without you girls here, I feel like nothing but a sham. I may have messed everything up but Hopefully a screw up isn't all that I am. Time passed me like I was standing still and I have wasted days that turned into years. That is nothing compared to the hurt in my soul that had me tasting so many tears. What hurts the most is I know at some point you called my name wanting me to just be there. Please know we love you both more
than anything I hope you don't think that we just didn't care. My feelings are fatal and that is the truth. I ended up having to water myself down because the world couldn't not handle me at 100 proof. Please I hope that you will be able to find it in your heart to forgive me for all the mistakes I have made, I am going though hell.
Will we able to actually finally fit these puzzle pieces back together, I don't really know only time will tell. I'll never get used to this silence, it's way to quite in this empty house its void of all those moments others seem cherish. My only wish for the future is that I see you both again someday before I finally perish. To me my girls are more valuable than all the riches the world could ever hold. Nothing could have ever prepared me for this. Today I am feeling especially old. I will tell you the truth now because it scares me when I think about all the crap you will probably be told. I can't feel your warmth because you aren't standing beside me and I am shivering because I feel the cold. I really am not doing very well at all with any of this I miss you more than words could ever say. It gets just that much harder for me to just get up out of bed, everyday. I can almost not contain my sorrow. It's quite difficult to keep my tears at bay. In public it is a different person than I am that I try to portray. My life is a disaster filled with mostly discord and lots of disarray. I don't want you to worry I promise you I will find a way to be okay. All that glitters is not gold and nothing golden ever seems to get to stay I am tarnished silver and honestly I think I am starting dull and turn grey. Like a star that has gone super nova burning so bright, I am afraid of just fading away. One day I know in my heart that I'll see you both again until then I'll be here missing both of you. Mommy and Daddy love you Aa'Rieyana and Ronnie May.
