Comments : where dreams may lie

  • 9 months ago

    by Star

    This is...................................

    “ the end of every verse carries with it,
    a deep longing to be understood.

    the heart is a misunderstood organ,
    swimming in nostalgia,“
    Honestly, the way these two parts flowed after each other left me in deep thoughts!

    This is no where near terrible :p it’s where dreams lie !!!

  • 9 months ago

    by BOB GALLO

    It is truly beautiful

  • 9 months ago

    by Ben Pickard

    I think 'drank' here should be 'drunk' but apart from that, this is art, Mark.

    • 9 months ago

      by hiraeth

      Good catch, thank you!

  • 9 months ago

    by Rania Moallem

    you are killing me,
    always...with these poems. Whenever I get an emotional break, you post a poem and stir everything in me.

    Mark, you're something else, my friend. Really.

  • 9 months ago

    by Daniel

    this poem drips with raw emotion, yet it is controlled.

    'i first saw you, trapped in the bosom of a poem
    written in sanskrit – archaic in the sense'

    I love these opening lines for the feelings of otherworldliness and mystery it evokes. I personally don't think you need 'archaic in the sense' seems like an unsure afterthought, and it takes me away a tad. I like the use of the word 'loom' and honestly found your word choice throughout this extremely clever.

    You painted an abstract picture here, starting with 'venturing', and the poem suddenly journeys somewhere more visual in the second stanza. The third stanza, I personally feel could be shortened a little, as the repetition of sky I found slightly jarring:

    'when the sun bleeds into the sky,
    and night has drunk all the colours
    on the evening sky – '

    should it not be 'drunk all the colours of the evening sky'? You could actually remove the third line, and replace 'the colours' with 'its colours' for the same effect.

    Having said my minor minor gripes, I love the ending. An excellent poem!