It's amazing that whenever I start to see my mother in a more human way, she reminds me that she is my mother first and foremost, and then all the affection I feel for her disappears and then she goes back to being the mother figure that I try so hard to detach myself from. It's hard to empathize with my mother and her pain, because even though I know that she too was once a girl full of dreams and ambitions, I can see that she has become a bitter, suffocating person. I know I'm my mother's appendage, I know that despite denying it to me, deep down she blames me for messing up her life and I'll always hate myself for it. It's hard to live in constant war with the person I love the most, it's too painful to get into a fight that I know I won't win, but I like to think that it's worth a try, because at least it shows that I'm not a weak person. My mother always complains that I give up too quickly, but she doesn't know that I'll never give up on her, even tho I really want, but our relationship is too conflicted and it wears out a lot. She could just let me go, set me free and watch me screw up my life, but that would mean she'd lose the power she has over me, and God forbid if she loses the only thing she has control over in life. My mom makes me feel sorry for her, but she also makes me angry and want to kill myself, which is funny because she also makes me feel extremely safe and comfortable.
