Scared and defenseless,
I hurl myself
At you,
The rage that encompasses me
Is fiery,
But unattached.
Like a comet
In the sky,
My rageful flames light the room.
My biting tongue
Has whipped deep lashes
Into your soul.
My salty tears
Just
Salting your wounds.
The apologies
Mean nothing now.
They're empty,
Meaningless to you.
I pour them out,
Desperately trying
to control the spreading fire.
I've failed.
And now the fire that
Set me ablaze
With anger
Has caught you too.
Fire against fire,
There's no water to quell the pain.
I'm searching,
Trying to fix what i broke
with bandages and tape.
Trying to douse the fire with spit.
It just...
Doesn't work that way.
2.
As a child,
The damage control was easy.
"I'm sorry,"
The words would float up and
Rain down on the anger.
I'd fix the object I threw.
Or punched.
Or otherwise broke.
I'd share food,
A toy,
A blanket.
I'd try so hard
To make the pain go away.
I was often successful.
"I can put out the fires!"
I thought,
Even as my rage alienated me.
"I can fix what's broken,"
I said,
As I wrapped hearts
In wooly cloth,
And begged the bleeding to stop.
"It'll be okay,"
I believed,
As I watched my world
melt around me;
A victim of the heat.
3.
Maybe,
Just maybe...
I wasn't as good
At damage control
As I thought.
How could I be?
I was hit,
Smacked,
Verbally assualted,
And left
to fend for myself.
I was berated for being alive,
And given nothing to defend myself.
Out of nothing...
I had to make something.
It was just sparks of anger
At first.
Little flashes of
"That's not fair!"
And
"But I want don't want to!"
Over time,
these sparks began
To catch
On larger injustices.
"Why would he do that?"
"Why doesn't mom take care of herself?"
"Why can't dad be kind to me?"
"I'm only 10,"
But people around me
Mistook my pain and hurt
For determination,
And grit.
"You're the glue that holds your family together!"
"You are such a strong, resilient girl,"
But I didn't want to be strong.
I didn't want to be resilient.
I never asked to be the glue...
And my little sparks
Caught on to my flowing pains,
Hanging like curtains in my mind.
And thats when the flames began.
The anger.
The rage.
The all consuming wrath.
4.
It all hits me at once.
This back and forth
Trauma response
That has its leash
Around my throat.
The rage yanks me forward,
Fire...
Fire surrounding me.
My guilt and depression beckon me
From an unlit stairwell.
The only place I won't get burnt.
I stumble along,
Blinded by the brightness...
Feeling the heat rise up...
Knowing I can't hide in the fire forever.
Once in the darkness,
I feel a small reprieve.
The anger can't hurt me here.
Not anymore.
But as I turn away,
I hear the snapping of wood,
The dripping of melting metal.
There goes my marriage...
My friendships...
My dating partner...
My job...
Whoever offered me this safe place.
I listen as it burns to the ground.
There's no water
To stop the heat or flames.
There's no tape
To fix the torn pictures.
There's no glue
To fix the vases.
Just me.
Sitting amongst the ashes
Of my flailing anger.
