After nearly three decades
I finally
have answers.
They come in the form of
Autism
and ADHD.
Finally,
a formal diagnosis
after a lifetime of struggle.
It turns out
I wasn't "wrong"
I was autistic.
I wasn't "too much"
it was ADHD.
All of the behaviors,
the fixations,
the misinterpretations
they have a name.
There is a reason
for why I never understood
what to say
or how to act.
It wasn't just trauma;
there was something more to my story.
I can breathe easier
knowing the context
behind my perceived deficits
because I have a brain
wired differently from the rest.
Life isn't better
automatically,
but I can now utilize resources
I never had.
I can stop beating myself up
because, "why can't I just be normal?"
What a beautiful thing
to understand myself
in a way
I never got the chance to.
I slipped through the cracks
because I didn't present
like my AuDHD brother.
I grieve for
the little girl
who never felt heard
by those who were
supposed to listen.
Maybe,
it could've been different
had I known all along.
What's important now
is that I have this information,
and I can advocate
for myself
and future generations
in a way
no one did
for me.
