How i feel, how i deal...

This is how i feel, and how i deal
i feel alone...i deal by suspending myself from this world
i feel like crying...but i deal out a smile to those i love
i feel i have failed...as your child...as a human
i deal by pushing you further away...by failing more
i feel neglected...and i rescue myself by making a friend of my own
i meet ana...she soon introduces me to mia
and together we erase all my fears, my uncertainty
fill them with the need for control...control that is unending
we can always want more control...and more...until it is lost entirely
only i don't recognize this...until it is all too late...
And this is how i feel...this is how i deal...
I feel alone...i deal by emptying myself physically
i feel like crying...so i do...only no one hears...for now i am truly alone
i have pushed away the ones that cared...i threw them your lies
and lost all in this world...i see no faces...only backs
i feel i have failed...and now i have
so i fail once more...for now i have no on to live for...to try for
not even myself...for i am not alive any more...
Ana and Mia have taken control...and left me here in the unexisting
so now i do not know how to feel...i am numb...
I have nothing to deal with...for i have lost all...for i am nothing...
So where has this gotten me...
Feb. 11, 2004