Just around Halloween pt1

So you can't find me?
well that's nothing new...
for the past 11 years,
I've been invisible to you..

I'm not really a walking tower
oblivious to pain
but a troublesome teenager
with nothing to gain

My spirit now rests
no more torture for me
There are no rivers of my tears
as far as one can see

So you think I ran away..
at least you hope that's the case
you've probably searched the nearest houses
at a superior pace

but I'll stop your searching
for this teenager here
You think couldn't have gotten far
you're right, is pretty near

I'm a good 200 feet
from all signs of life
On my decision I was so sure
I didn't need to think twice

Maybe I didn't let you know how I felt
so what? Who cares?
All I had left as an option
was a world's sake to spare

I got no encouragements
to keep my life right
afraid to disappoint thee again
I slipped off in the night

The place that I'm at
I've been there before
Not a proper burial
excuse me I'm poor

No blood was spilled
on my behalf
I decided not to breathe
motivation I lacked

You're piecing together my clues
I'll give you one more bit
This place's only light by night
would be moonlit

The clues may be vague
but they're supposed to be
this making it easier
for me to tease thee

So what I did isn't funny
all those petty things I did
I appeared to be a menace
as long as I lived.

I took away your obligation to forgive me
that's one mind to ease
I demanded for far too much love
like an extremely ugly disease

You thought I fluffed my crime off
like I simply didn't care
I'd have you know I was more than ashamed
at each place I go, no matter where

But no one could really see that
underneath my disguise
There was more guilt than should be
behind my feeling-less eyes

After you forced
my depression into hiding
I put every other thing in the closet
my good qualities abiding

congratulations, I'm not perfect
wow, that's one suicide gone to waste
You should see my surprise
from the look upon your face

Inside I laughed at all your attempts
to put me away
I believe I covered that
wouldn't you say?

this all seems so comical
like some sort of dream
but at least I served my purpose
and you finally see what I mean

too bad it took an action
that placed beyond extreme
I guessed that you didn't want me around
that's sure how you made it seem

maybe you didn't notice
but there's lots I regret
things you still remember
and a few you didn't know about yet..

I'm pretty sure after this poem
you'll know how I felt
how many nights spent crying
the sorrows that could melt

my heart has a few things
It would like to admit
go ahead, sit down
this'll take a Lil bit

did I tell you how I'm responsible
for more than one suicide
the time I hurt somebody so badly
the poor thing sure had cried

it was back a few years
in the 8th grade
when I was semi-popular
my peers I obeyed

I put myself before a kid named David
I told him flat out
how he was below me
and that's what life's about

I told him that with me
he stood no chance
I didn't even have the decency
to spare a second glance

sound's rather petty
like nothing too great
my words were the final straw
my apologies came too late