Dad.

My mask can hide everything
from my fears to my tears.
Nothing I feel will be shown to anyone.
Not that anyone really cares.
I have a mask and I can smile
Even if in my heart, I want to to die.
Who's it going to help if I throw a fit?
What's it going to do if I whine a bit?
What's the purpose?
Why should I try?
Because someone cares?
No...
That's not the way this world works for me.
Thanks dad, for taking my trust of this world away.
I appreciate it, you bastard.
I want you here
but no, you're gone and you're not coming back.
You gave me this mask.
You made me afraid to feel.
You made me afraid to trust
for fear of what I love being taken away again.
I want you back
but at the same time I despise you.
I look at your picture and I want to cry
I look at your picture and I feel like maybe you'll come back to me,
but I know you won't.
And you never will.
I wished for so long that you would...
So long.
It was the longest amount of my time I've ever wasted.
You're not coming back,
You don't matter to me anymore
because I didn't matter enough to you
for you to stay, stay with me.
I've written you countless letters
that you'll never receive.
You want to know why?
Because you're dead.
I know what that means now.
I know it means you'll never tell me again that you love me
and I'll never tell you again that I love you.
Because, no matter what you would say...
I never could tell you I love you
because I don't know that what you did is forgivable.
You took yourself from me, for a reason that is so stupid.
The mask I have to the world, your fault.
Even the people that know me,
the ones that know me best,
they don't really know what I feel
because someone made me afraid.
People have chipped away at the wall I've built around me.
Made it smaller, made it weaker,
but I will never be able to be the way I was.
I can smile on the outside,
although I'm hurting on the inside.
I can try to make it seem okay, but my faith is almost gone...
People try and help me heal these wounds,
but I can't even do it.
You were my hero, you were my strength.
I adored you!
I would have done anything for you...
and the example you set for me?
You were so selfish
so caught up in your own little world
that you didnt' see what you actions would lead to.
You chose the easy way out
Great, I'm really proud that I call you my dad.
God, why did you go?
I may wish for you to come back,
but in reality, in my heart,
Stay the hell away from me.
You don't deserve to be around anymore.
You didn't want to be, so you're not.
I'm not glad you're gone,
but wishing you back won't do shit for anybody,
so you're gone to me.
You're gone.