Mom, I Don't Understand

My mother wakes me
11 A.M on the dot
There’s not been a day
When she’s forgot

She tries to keep me going
Lifting my head up for me
Not once when I’ve cried
Has she ignored me

She’s been my hero
Through misery and smiles
We used to be so distant
But this year we’ve traveled miles

Come as one, like I wanted
Grown into each other
And she’s who I love most
My friend, my confidant, my mother

But also with the love
Comes this incredible fear
That one day she will go
And leave me here …

And I know, one day she must die
We all have too
But how can I say –
Mommy, I can’t live without you?

Every time I found myself on the edge
She always pulls me back
Makes me smile a little
Even when everything looks so black

And in the past she hurt me so much
I believed she did not care
She’d never shown she did
Back then she was never there

But her own tragic past
Scarred her ability to show affection
She really wanted to give me love …
But it came across as rejection

Now we have talked so much
I have become able to say
What for so long
I kept locked away

I told her I loved her
Held my breath, in wait
And then she confirmed, she loved me too
And I hope it's not come too late

Nightmares plague me
Of waking to find her dead
And when I go to sleep
It’s all that’s in my head

I guess with time
I’ll feel more secure
I’m just glad I know now,
That she loves me, whole and pure.

But there’s always a but …
I may know it in my head, but not my heart
I still feel unloved, cursed in a way
Alone … and completely torn apart.

© Copyright Sharon Ardern 2005