All I Can Think About Is Dying

* I wrote this almost a year ago ... funny how i still feel exactly the same. It may be familiar to some people because I posted it in my old account, but it seems so fitting to how I feel right now.

They tell me to keep me head up
Well I'm here trying
But it's so hard to live
When all i can think about is dying

I know tomorrow
Will be as hard as today
But they're all telling me
That everything will work out okay

I think they're lying
But part of me believes them
Because when I think of how low I was
I don't want to go back there again

People around me offering advice
Telling me they'll be there when I need a friend
Truth is none of them can make this just go away
Nothing can make this pain just end

So they may say they're always there
But when the light goes out at night
And I'm there lying in my bed
It's so hard to believe everything will be alright

Because the nights are the worst
When it's just me and my teddy bear
I feel so very alone
Because there really is nobody there

When my alarm clock rings
I just go back to sleep again
Because I can't face my friends
I'm sorry I just can't face them

I'm sick of putting up my mask
Sick of smiling saying I'm fine
And hearing them laugh and have fun
When I'm so depressed all the time

So many people say it'll be alright
But I don't think any of them believe it
Whenever I'm in bad mood and friends try to help
I can't help snapping telling them to leave it

Because sometimes I get so tired
Of telling people why my eyes are red
Why I have cuts on my arm
And why so many of my poems speak about wanting to be dead

When the truth is
Exactly that, my friend
All I've been searching for
Is an end

Get away from the hate
Get away from the pain
And leave knowing
I won't have to come back here again.

© Copyright Sharon Ardern 2004- 2005