Messing up again

I wish that I could be like you
Strong and fearless, pretty too
I tried so hard just to be strong
But I found out I'd got it wrong
I'm sick to death of being sad
The dark inside me makes me mad
I want to stop taking drugs too
But how I haven't got a clue
I've been taking less I'd like to say
But the wanting does not go away
I'm proud that I have made a start
But my lifes ripping me apart
Wanting just to smile again
unable to escape my pain
The only time I'm ever free
Is when I'm flying in my dreams
I let the rain drench me through
Taking away all my pains too
and just for a little while
I can really really smile
laugh out loud in happiness
All my pains are so much less
Then I come back inside
The knife is sitting there beside
My warm inviting bed
Thoughts crawling into my head
I so so want to say no
yet over to the knife I go
and hack and chop my poor sore arms
once again losing to self harm
I'm back to messing up again
Back to being lead by pain..