Forever The Pessimst - Warning, very depressing.

I lie awake thinking
About things I shouldn't be.
Thoughts that are no longer
Meant to dwell and and poison me.

But they are here as sure
As the sun rose today.
And I am just too tired
To tell them to go away.

So I lie there and dwell
On thoughts that never end.
I get tired at the thought of
Getting up tomorrow to pretend.

Smile, I never thought about
Killing my sorry self last night.
No, I read a book, went to sleep
There was no morbid delight.

I become frustrated, I toss
And I turn, so unsteady.
My mind screams at my soul
For never being ready.

At times when my sun decides
It's okay to shine, my soul backs away.
No, no, NO! It screams,
The turmoil MUST stay.

And I wonder as I finger a broken
But of glass, if it will ever cease.
If I'll ever be able to hold on
To those little moments of peace.

I dig the glass into my arm
The blood bubbles and oozes across my skin.
And as I watch my frustration bleed away
I say to myself : better out than in.

So this is another night like many
My pathetic self has had before.
And as I cut and cut again I know
That there will be many more.

Because a doubter, a questioner
A pessimist and deep thinker
Never can hold onto peace for long
They become a cutter, a druggie or a drinker.

And sometimes, I'm all three
Sometimes I'm such a state
That my depression and wondering
Turns into complete and utter hate.

But this is just my life. I smile
And feel peace on the odd occasion.
Granted mere drops of mercy just to keep me hanging on:
But full happiness just isn't part of the equation.

© Copyright Sharon Ardern 2005