Fake Smiles

When I wake up
I know exactly what to do
that day, I'll put on a fake smile that even I don't recognize
and say "I'm fine." when people ask if I'm OK.
It's not like they will even notice that my smile isn't real
and I'm sure that they won't be able to see the look in my eyes. However, as soon as I'm alone,
I'll quickly make my way to my bed,
I'll take a deep breath or two
and turn on my radio,
just in case I cry or make some other type of sound.
I'll make my hand stop shaking, I'll roll up my sleeves.
As soon as every thing's ready
I'll carefully watch as the cuts steadily spread up and down my arms.
I'll check the scars and the old cuts as I watch the new ones bleed. Everyone thinks it hurts
but I guess the reason
I don't feel it is because when you feel pain enough
you become numb to it.
As I see the blood
I'll start to feel OK again.
I'll breathe again
while I feel the pain fade away. Even though the cuts leave scars
I know I was truly OK already and that if someone had asked me then I would have been telling the truth when I answered.
My life WAS stress-free and the familiar pain wasn't there.
Life was OK for a second.
I watch the blood flow
just like all the times before.
I know that this friend won't leave me,
not like all the other ones.
As I slowly and carefully slip my safety pin in to my pocket
I realize this is the same process I'll repeat the next time
my emotions get to hard to handle.
Once again I'll feel OK
when I know I'm in control again
because this is the one thing I control
and I won't have to pretend
and I won't have to lie
because I'll be stress-free
and my heartache will be gone
even if just for a few minutes.
The pain I've held back
and let build up will be gone.
Until then I put my jumper back on and wrap my wrist
so no one will see exactly what I did to me.
After all, no one really cares
what's behind the smile
that they all know isn't real
and no one dares ask about
what's behind the fake look of happiness in my eyes.