Identity Shuffle (Redone)

Thanks, you two!
wip, your advice really came in handy with the whole extending-ideas-till-they-have-complete-thoughts, but i'd rather not add a "rounding" conclusion..it'd be redundant, really...the poem has a style that's not too uncommon (re: thirteen ways of looking at a blackbird or the imagist/extended metaphor poetry styles)...it speaks for itself, and i'm afraid a tell-all conclusion would come out sappy or too "the moral of the story is..." etc.

laura, you're absolutely right about the "foul"...i was trying too hard to keep consistency (what with matching
the opposite adjective description for "savoury") and forgot that sometimes the ideas can speak for themselves...i can't do much about taking out the "is", however, since the quote "karma is cost effective" actually DOES exist on a bumper sticker :P ...since the poem mentions this, i feel that if i tweak it, i'm just plagerizing the *idea* behind it, you know? i DO realize the last verse has a different feel than the rest, but that's why i made it the last one....i'm sure you'll agree that its position makes a difference in the feel of the poem, and anywhere else than the last verse would be a change for the worse...

thanks again, you guys! i went and commented on the poems you asked ^_^ *sing song voice* kaaarma

K.lena.i'm listening to a song right now so maybe this isn't ENTIRELY accurate, but...it could be a song.i ADORE this poem.and.for some reason it shows a great maturity beyond your years *or perhaps i just learned summing new 'bout a certain erratic hippie!1* i think that...the 'is' in the last line is kinda cumbersome...i dunno, summing 'bout the last two lines is cumbersome, but i adore the use of the words 'vagabond' and 'karma', so i'm not really sure howta change it. also, take out the 'foul' in the fountain of youth thingy.if it's supposed to denote that the fountain is bad, perhaps a word that alludes to the renown of the fountain would work fine. or just take out the 'foul' and leave it that way.phew!1 this was long.but.basically. it's freakin' AMAZING!1

OMG this is sooo much better!!! if feels so much more complete and I don't know how to explain it but the same message is there but ten times sharper and more in your face. which one are you and I need to think about which one I am.

leave the question marks, I think the ending could be rounded out a little more, maybe leave us with a nother BIG thought, which one do you want to be?
maybe :

confusion runs through my veins
it's hard to choose when I don't know
what I believe

something along that, nothing too long or you'll drag it out, but this is sooooo much better!!!

Your right, it feels very unfinished. I like the way you ended, on the note that you ended it, but i think maybe you should try taking all the ideas you've presented in the poem and rounding them out to the ending, like I don't think you need it very much longer like try to round it out in like 1-2 lines, short or long.

I think you could use different words, or line breaks so that the questions stated and what not aren't so obvious, I like what your doing here, but maybe if you put in some different line breaks, or such, that it might just change the whole feel of the poem, but still keep it the same. do you get what I mean? here i'll do an example

Am I the Venus fly trap,
the rusty weed clipper.
Do I hold the rifle to your eye
or the picket sign of peace.

it's not any thing big, but see how it changes what your saying, but still keeps what you were saying in the begining? I'm sure you could do a better line break and such, but, just off hte top of me head. lol

I don't think you really need to work on too much, you've got it pretty tight and compact as it is, just try to fix little things, and try to not change the overall tone, or feeling in the process, which can be hard sometimes.

Wip

I love the title :) really puts the poem into a completely different light :P
and with this comment, i have officially commented on all of your poems :)
(once again, hope it doesn't cause you too much strain...like i hope you didn't get a separate email for each one or something...:P)