Grieved to long

Air is something I wish to give up one day,
I can no longer pay,
For all this misery I gave out,
I just want to sit down and die and give out one last shout,
To everybody I love and care for,
I just cant take this pain anymore,
Friends have talked me out of suicide once or twice,
But I basically just rolled a dice,
And sorry guys but I won,
I hope I can find a knife or a gun,
To just get all this grieving over with and to leave the world,
As my heart is breaking and its just so out of shape and curled,
Every which way it can be tangled,
I just want to rip it out and let it dangle,
I dont know if I should choose death,
And take my one last breath,
Because there has to be something in this world that good for me,
And not wanting to make me bleed,
Please help me find it so I can live the life of my dreams,
And if I dont I will take my last and final breaths as a screams.