One Day He Might Realize!

I adore this piece. It was, in fact, written and presented rather well and sound. The overall diction and flow of words were terrific. As a result, on the whole, I give you my props for writing such a fantastic and bittersweet love poem. =]

Hey great poem! I feel the same way about someone right now.

In the first stanza -- the line seems so forced like you just said that so the last line would sound similar to the second. I don't think it worked very well in this particular case. Saying your heart is thin is not really saying much.

"And one day he might see
Why my patience is running thin" or SOMETHING - I don't know.

Second stanza - instead of repeating "every time he talks to her" maybe the second one could say something like "every time she's around" or "every time her name is spoken"

Third stanza - PERFECT!! I love that!!

Last stanza - Good - but you messed the flow up - you rhymed all the way down there and the BOOM it came a halt. Also in this stanza I don't think that the line should be repeated. I think the third line BREAKS the flow a little bit - I don't know what to suggest about this because I don't want to change your poem and your thoughts but maybe a little change would be good. I LOVE the last line and I think that line should be worked around!!

I don't like people telling me how to change my work or rewriting it for me. I hope you don't feel like that's what I was doing. It's a good poem and this is merely my OPINIONS with a couple added suggestions. You're the author - you make the call. It's been fun --I enjoyed this piece! Take Care :)

SORRY ABOUT THE OTHER POST!!! HIT THE COMPLAIN BUTTON AND THEY'LL ERASE IT FOR YOU!

Constructive criticism? How about MY OPINION?! LOL

In the first stanza…the line seems so forced like you just said that so the last line would sound similar to the second. I don’t think it worked very well in this particular case. Saying your heart is thin is not really saying much. Maybe tweaking that line…

” And one day he might see
Why my patience is running thin” or SOMETHING…I don’t know.

Second stanza…instead of repeating “every time he talks to her” maybe the second one could say something like “every time she’s around” or “every time her name is spoken”

Third stanza…PERFECT!! I love that!!

Last stanza…Good…but you messed the flow up…you rhymed all the way down there and the BOOM it came a halt. Also in this stanza I don’t think that the line should be repeated. I think the third line BREAKS the flow a little bit…I don’t know what to suggest about this because I don’t want to change your poem and your thoughts but maybe a little change would be good. I LOVE the last line and I think that line should be worked around!!

I don’t like people telling me how to change my work…or rewriting it for me. I hope you don’t feel like that’s what I was doing. It’s a good poem and this is merely my OPINIONS with a couple added suggestions. You’re the author…you make the call. It’s been fun…I enjoyed this piece! Take Care :!

Hey so far so good keep up the good work once your finnished let me know cause i want to know how it ends!!!!