First time in a year

I cut myself today
The first time in a year
I thought I was better
But new wounds appeared

Was I thinking of her?
She's been gone for so long
Or was I thinking of my friend?
The one I fell in love with

Was I thinking of my life?
Twisted sorrow, and false happiness
How it goes up and down
Sideways and around

I cut myself today
I'm not sure what to think
It nearly brought me to tears
When I found it brought me pleasure

Was I fretting on the past?
Or worrying about the future?
Was I angered by the present
Or scared of my dreams

Was I just confused?
Not knowing where to go
Or is it an addiction
Watching my blood flow

I cut myself today
The first time in a year
But I felt so at home
Maybe I've been pretending
To be happy...all this time