A Window Into My Madness

Walking in and out of sanity
I’m sick and I think he knows it…
I couldn’t tell him because I feared his revulsion
But he didn’t and would never understand the profundity of my confusion
It is an ever-present tumor within my body
Throbbing and burning…
Pulsing with a million thoughts all at once
A tumor with small, razor sharp teeth
Gnawing away at my sanity

I was once a child whose thoughts consumed her
Now I am that child but with a morose but beautiful mind
Sometimes I live within myself
Sometimes I lie awake at night in a world of my own where thoughts just come and go
He wouldn’t understand…

My confusion is obvious
If you’d just listen to me speak, you’d see that conflict burns within me
My heart wants one thing
But my intelligence wants another
I’ve followed both and I’ve been mislead by both
What now is one to do?

I tell myself to listen to my brain or else I will just end up right back where I started
But then my heart, overwhelmed with emotion, tells me that it may just work out this time
No it won’t
Yes it will
Decision-making is not a strong point of mine
And I think he knows it…

Why, I wonder, did he love me?
Did he not see the potency of my madness?
If not, he is the mad one

At times I wonder if I am truly insane
Thinking and writing words such as these
But doesn’t every sane person wonder if they are insane?
I suppose I wouldn’t know because I am unaware if I am sane or not
Sure I have been diagnosed with disorders and illnesses of the mind
Medication has been my victuals since I was a child
But still…I wonder…am I crazy?
Eccentric and a bit peculiar at times maybe
But crazy? Insane? Mad?

You must be thinking I am a lunatic by now
Perhaps you re right in thinking so
I wonder if he thinks so too?
The one I loved so dearly
I wonder if he would love me if he could get inside my head and breathe my thoughts as they enter and to some extent never go away
I wonder if he would take me back
(But it would be unhealthy for me to get involved again)
(But maybe it would work this time)

This confusion…
More or less an entity
Is tormenting me
It is my partner in life and in crime
I hate it, but it loves me
And it has a power over me

So as I am victimized and tortured by this perplexity I am endowed with
I wonder if my sanity is lost
If it was ever there to begin with
And I wonder…
What should I do?