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I found a card this weekend
and it sickened me.
The barbs inside stuck to my tongue
as I read them out
hoping a little of their poison would
seep into my blood and infect me.
But I am immune from it as I always am.
And it sickens me.
How I despise not despising you.
How I wish to wish bad things upon you.
How I long to long for your downfall.
But then what of the innocence you would leave behind?
Those pallid faces with dew lit eyes,
smiling lips and fiery hair.
I want to want to scream Truth at them
but I don't because
no child should hate their parents.
That's why I don't hate him but
we are unconnected.
Why should I be begrudged
my anger toward you?
When I look at you I feel
nothing.
I wonder if our linking
past has left me dead within.
At this prospect I search for
that sacred white hot magma
but I find nothing.
Just indifference.
My tears remain uncontaminated and unbitter.
And so I am left
feeling like a failure.

© Emily Sanctuary, 2007