Daddy, im letting go

You left at such an early age
i was three, so fragile and small
my bro was five, so innocent at all

i never realized how much you meant back then
all i could care at that moment
was the people in white with tears they wanna shed

my mom with reddened eyes
eye-bags around them
cuddling my little bro
as she wept in silent tears

i couldn't forget that day
the last I've seen of you
why did you leave?
the reason remains unknown

the memories still intact
that day you woke up with a start
mom made you coffee
but you were in a hurry
you kissed her cheeks
and hugged her for a brief five minutes

muttered your goodbyes
and "I'll see you soon.."
but fate could be so cruel
as i have never known

for that very afternoon
my mom had disappeared
the maids told us she went on grocery
and that she'll come back later on

but i never knew..
she left for a far more bigger reason
and that i would know
the next day I'd see you

you were lying in a coffin
your body void of life
you were wearing white
your face void with its usual smile

my brother as naive as ever
approached you and tried to shake you awake
violently he shook
but you never awake

mommy stared at my brother
with a newspaper in his hands
he said, why is daddy sleeping?
cant he breathe under that box?

he so badly wanted to hear your voice
as you read the newspaper aloud
he wants to feel your warmth
as you cuddle him in your arms

my mom hugged him tight
smiling behind her grief
but i knew pretty well
inside she weeps

twelve years have passed
and I'm no longer three
my brother is seventeen
we are both in high school

mom is doing well
she managed your business well
she did her very best
and here we are, under her love and care

but I've always wondered
how much it would feel to have a dad
and i had always been envious
of the kids who have such

kids perched upon their papa's shoulders
laughing like theres no tomorrow
their wife teasing each other
their sons chuckling at the scene

i wondered if you were alive
would you have tucked me to sleep?
would you have brought me to school?
what could've been you Christmas gifts?

when i was five..
would you have read me fairy tales?
would you have forced me to drink my milk?
how would it feel to be perched atop your shoulders?
being rocked back and forth by your sturdy arms?

how would it feel to be hugged by you?
how would it feel to be scolded by you?
things i wanted to feel but couldn't
for you are gone, and never to come back

it has been twelve long years
and memories of you are kept in my secret book
i couldn't let you go
its hard to do so

but i figured its the right thing
so, dad, before i let go
please hear me say,

daddy,
i miss you so much
i love you with all my heart
i once hated you
for leaving me without even a single word of goodbye
but i realized.. it wasn't your fault..
you just weren't meant to stay
but still.. i miss you
i couldn't fathom the reason of your death
it was a heart attack but then.. why?
so many questions
so little answers
papa, its so hard to let go
for twelve long years
i have been holing your hands
your portrait in my wall
your glimmering eyes and smiling lips, now, have been lost, shrouded in mist
daddy, i miss you
i love you so much
but i have to let you go now
even if it breaks my heart

goodbye dear father
forever, you will stay, in my heart