Untitled [about my relationship with my dad]

Thoughts of you possess my mind, and a route around them seems impossible to find. When the destruction replays, I can't fight back tears. I cannot seem to make these monsters disappear. They know my weaknesses and they try to break me down. They are aware of my insecurities, all of which they use in attempt to make me drown. All the happy thoughts vanish...all the sickening memories I can't seem to banish. I want to let go but they still cling to me. The best thing I could ever do was not enough. I'm still so scared to ever see you, let alone hold a conversation with you! I don't think I'm ready to face my fears, but I get so tired of facing these tears. Lies convincing me constantly that trust is wrong. The lies black out the people who have helped me along. When I think of you, each breath is harder to take. Each smile is next to impossible to make. I wish I knew how you sleep at night, I wish you'd care enough to know if I'm all right. I can't make you disappear. You are every monster, every fear. There is so much left unanswered but i'm not taking a chance here. The last thing I need is another tear. I'll bet my friends get tired of wiping them away. But they are all I've had since the day you made my family's lives a living hell. You didn't even care that I fell. When you fall, you get back up, but it's like I haven't gotten back up all the way yet...it's still too hard to trust. I'm afraid of being deceived by the people who could be just like you. I need something to focus on, and I do believe that you will never change. You are everywhere, and I cannot escape. When I look in the mirror, I have to see how much i look like you. Wish I could see right through and see your face, nothing at all. Wish I could get past that fall. I have faith that I can get past you and your lies, but I'm tired of all this wasted time. I've made some mistakes, ones that lead me back to you. I've messed up a relationship, a chance at happiness, because I thought I was falling for someone just like you. In a way, you are something I cannot escape, because I see you every day. I'm like you in ways I'd rather not admit. But through each day of living and learning, I know i can make it. I promised myself that i won't be just like you. I won't succumb to your example. I won't act like you do. You build me up and watch me break. I can't be you anymore. You're never there, that's just how you like it. And because you like it, why would you change it? You don't know who you are because you're always lying to yourself