My First Love

My first love was an amazing person.
But he wasn't real.
Well, not real the way most would consider real,
Just because he was one you couldn't feel.

He was just words on a screen.
But so what?
He had saved my life
And so my heart became tightly shut

around him. I dreamed
only of him for 2 years.
Then that one fateful day came
when I cried so many tears.

We had fallen apart over time.
But he still didn't know
that I loved him at all.
My heart sank low

as I told him my most painful secret.
Amazingly, he understood!
He gave me the chance
that I hoped I deserved.

We became close again.
I was so happy!
I hoped it would last forever,
Yet he was so crafty.

I thought there was nothing wrong.
But of course I was so naive.
He slipped through my grasp again,
and we haven't talked since that eve.

He never really loved me.
I'm sure I knew that all along.
But I didn't care.
He has saved my life and I went along

with all the lied I had been told.
I even know this now,
but I can't get him out of my heart
and my mind which drowns

from all the hurt I'm still in.
I still love him so much.
And I know I shouldn't want this,
but just one touch

from him and I'd die happy.
Yet I'd never want to let him go
even after everything.
I still love him so.

Years later, I now have someone new
who is actually here and who cares
for me like my love never did.
And I hope that he'd never dare

to come back into my life.
...Yet to see him just once and all I'd ask is why,
Why he hurt me like he has
and why he left this yearning to die.

But unfortunately
all I'd say is "I love you".
I'd leave my man in an instant
just to be with him if he said it too.

I really wish I could take
all of this pain away.
It's true that your first love stays with you.
It's just like they say.

I know most of this makes
no sense what-so-ever.
But it does to me and
this is what I'll be living with...

forever

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ryan, I miss you so much.. I know I messed everything but please, I still love you. I know I've moved on but you stay in my heart and I yearn to be with you so. I'm sorry for everything.
...I love you...