Comments : Pain isn't real (Razor blade death)

  • 17 years ago

    by Valiantpenguin

    Very good...explains basicaly exactly how i feel most of the time when i cut...5.5 <33

  • 17 years ago

    by Bryan

    I think it sounds good,
    very good poem vanessa,
    love the flow and the choice in wording,
    even the title is capturing
    i give this poem a 5/5!!!
    keep it up, this is very good!!!

  • 17 years ago

    by Stephanie

    Vanessa,

    That was flawless. I seriously had a tear fall down my cheek, that was very emotional & powerful. The flow was great, the descriptions were vivid, & the word usage was fantastic.

    "Crimson tears stream down my face
    Oh how I wish to leave this place
    Tried of pasting on a fake smile
    My soul weeping all the while
    My hands are slightly shaking
    Due to all the drugs I am taking
    I have fallen far from grace
    To disappear without a trace..."

    ^ Those lines were just fantastic! Wonderful job, keep writing! 5.5

    Stephanie Lynn .+.

  • 17 years ago

    by Mousie

    Don't say that, i thought it was great. the flow and the wording was great, i really did see the poem within a poem. i liked the topic, it's generic but unique, nice job 5/5

  • 17 years ago

    by Goran Rahim

    Brillent job,
    very deep with full of great vocab
    nice style.
    keep up the great work...

  • 17 years ago

    by TamborineMan

    Powerful ending, I kind of wish you would have spent more typing expanding on "pain is not real." You reference it at the beginning, but immediately drift to other aspects of the poem. A few typos and a few problems with flow aside, I enjoyed the poem. Nicely done.

    stanza1, line2. "by" implies that the narrator isn't really part of the action. "with" would imply that the narrator is consciously aware of his/her involvement. "with," I think, evokes more of a response.

    stanza1, line6. flow: make "it is" a contraction.

    stanza1, line8. wording: replace "that wait" with "from"

    stanza2, line1. flow: make "I am" a contraction. *I like this line

    stanza2, line3. wording: "zest" doesn't fit the feel of the poem - find a more melodramatic word for happiness

    stanza2. flow: Combine lines 2 and 3, then add another line to explain more specifically what you are referring to in line4. when you write "things." Things is a non-descriptive word that confuses the reader.

    stanza4, line1. I don't like "crimson" - word is overused and cliched and, although sometimes it's necessary, I think you can find another word that might work just as well (if not better).

    stanza4, line3. wording: "pasting" not sure how I feel about this word, doesn't seem to fit, therefore obstructed flow a bit.

    stanza4. besides my line1 & line3 comments, a very powerful stanza. Nice

    stanza5, line5. flow - this line seems to fit better with the 6th stanza. It severely disrupted the flow. I tried to relate line 4 to 5, then assumed a new idea was coming up for stanza 6. Strongly suggest a entirely different line that integrates with the rest of the 5th stanza and perhaps working the original line into the 6th stanza. However...

    stanza6, line1. I think if you change to "hoping would be an answer to my prayers." You won't need stanza5, line5. I feel I have enough information to infer that 'hoping' relates to the razorblade.

    stanza6, line2. flow: make "is not" a contraction

    stanza6, line4. wording: add "an" b/w 'in effort'

    stanza6, line6. Very Awkward. typo? 'there' should be 'their?' Either way, still confusing. Consider revision

    *ah, put a period at the end of line5. change 'there' to "there's." I didn't catch that at first - I read line 5 and 6 as the same thought. A period would break the flow.

    stanza6, line7. wording: take out 'do"
    stanza6, line8. wording: add 'the' before pain. Would emphasize pain in the poem.

    I know I usually only right out my suggestions for change, but I enjoyed many parts of the poem (even if I didn't write that down). The sections I noted were especially well written. Good work

  • 17 years ago

    by Brittany C

    I loved it. You really made the formate work and I loved the poem within a poem thing. I don't think I would have been able to do that:) Another 5/5.

  • 17 years ago

    by Marc Ortiz

    Wonderful poem! good choice of words! well done! keep writing :) 5/5

  • 17 years ago

    by Lonesomeme

    Great job, you might consider checking some of the spelling...there are a couple of typos that made different words...but other than that...super job! Best wishes 5/5 -unattractive1

  • 17 years ago

    by Kelsea

    Wow. I'm not sure I like this one, even though it is much better done than most cutting poems. I have a bit of an issue with such a poem, I am sorry.
    I think the flow isn't the best, but it is still really nice in parts.
    Kelsea

  • 17 years ago

    by ImNotPerfect20

    This is wonderful. i love it. i seen a couple of mistakes but its ok.. the flow is off a bit..(i dont care about flow others do thats why i said something). anyway keep up the great work.

  • 17 years ago

    by Kaila

    I really enjoyed it
    I like hard poems that are real and not something you'd say aww to.
    You really have poems that are full of hurt and misery.
    And I love it!!
    I think you did an amazing job once again!
    Well done!

  • 17 years ago

    by Moon Princess

    It looked good on paper, and it looks good on this website. I couldn't stop reading :D. Awesome work

  • 17 years ago

    by Destiny

    I love it.. I know it is hard to stop cutting, trying to do it right now. If ever ned anything iam here. other than that, I LOVE it!! Keep writing Pweaze!! ^_^

  • 17 years ago

    by N J Thornton

    Erm yeah...to be brutually honest I wasn't keen. The subject (suicide) is vastly overused and this poem is also plagued with cliche words and images!! I prefer poems that are new and make me think "wow that's different." Not poems that make me think "not another one..."
    Sorry to be harsh, but that's my opinion.

  • 17 years ago

    by April Davis

    Wow!!!!! As i was reading this peom I couldn't take my eyes off the screen. It was very descriptive and I could feel and imagine evrything you wrote. After reading it, it leaves you speechless. Very, very good. I like!!!!!!!!!11

  • 17 years ago

    by Courtney

    Wow.
    That's all I can really say.
    It flowed beautifully and seemed to just roll of the toungue when spoken.

  • 17 years ago

    by Wallace

    Excellent poem, I really enjoyed it, keep up the good work. Check out some of my poems when you have the time.

    Best Wishes
    Wallace

  • 17 years ago

    by xXxBrOkEnAnGeLxXx

    Thats a really great poem i use to cut but then i realised that theres better ways to let out emotions... thats when i started writing poetry...
    well everyone has there ways of dealing with things and at the time... cutting was my way but ive overcome that stage now and i think its a very big acheivement...

    keep up the good work.

  • 17 years ago

    by Tricky Daze

    It looks like a song..i mean it could be good sad song
    I dunno if it's just me thinking like that but i think this way
    But i know that pain isn't real..you just make it up with your mind
    Keep it up
    Laura