I really really loved this, I mean for a non rhyming poem i found this to be exceptionally. mean, the flow couldn't be better and the word choice is briallent, the emtion were deep and clear, perfectly penned, and amzingly written. great job, and you can take this as an hinest comment. 5/5 although in my mind you deserve more.
Out of the 3 i've read i found this to be your best. I loved the non-ryhme you pulled that off greatly, and not alot of people can do that. The flow flawlss. and your vocab choice was amazing for this poem. Truely the best i've read of yours. Well done on a nicely penned poem~mel
smoke= fire (after all, it doesn't rhyme with anything.... i think... yea)
Although it doesn't rhyme, it still should flow. This poem doesn't quite flow. Particularly, in this poem you need to work on syllabication. Your words are wonderful, but I just think that you need to fix that up. Along with the syllabication, I think that you need to as well, get punctuation into your poem... mostly at the end of each line... Not profusely, but enough to direct the reader where to go and whether or not to pause. it is important that the reader can go through the whole poem smoothly. =]
But anyways, out of the three you gave me to do -- This one is definitely the best . The .. metaphorical uses [or whatever people call them xD] are really good . So many of the stanzas here I absolutely love . You`r choice of words and the way you put them together are just beautiful . It was kind of rocky, but I didn`t really notice cuhs` everything just meshed together really well .
Freakin` awesome job [:
On your first stanza...
Syllable count really didn't flow well for this line
She is the girl that he just can't make enough time for,
She is the box marked important but left in the attic,
The piece of toast left uneaten because it was burnt[[,]]
That should be a period or a semi-colon :]
She's the ice cream he wants[[,]] but is too fat to eat,
Add a comma in there.
Flow was off here as well
She is the verse of his favorite song, that he has to hum along to,
I kept hearing "She's the" It kind of annoyed me.
I don't know, maybe it would sound better if you find something else that sounds like that or a synonym for that.
All in all.
Your flow was off.
Your grammar was as well.
I love your wording, doll
And your topic.
For something without a rhyming scheme it was really well written, it flows very nicely...many times people cram a word into a sentence that doesn't fit just because it has to rhyme, so its a refreshing change to see something raw like this, great work - keep it up
I really like your poem. It voices what a lot of people feel. i beleive poems don't have to rhyme and flow perfectly they're lyrics from the heart and they're the words that a lot of us feel but don't say