Beautiful

I haven't eaten in Weeks. You barely notice..
My eating habits have changed completely, well actually, I'm not eating at all.

My weight is dropping like a stone,
Soon I'll be 115. I'm so excited, I'm so beautiful.
only Two more weeks until i should be down to 100.
This will be great, you will finally love me.

I'll be beautiful, very slender, with long brown hair.
oh, How you'll look at my transformation in amazement.
With ever meal i pass up i tell myself, this is how you want me.

Finally, 100 pounds exactly. I'm ready to see you now,
So i dress in my skinniest shirt and short skinny skirt.
Make-up on over my exhausted looking face.
Lip gloss over my peach lips.
Perfume and I'm out the door.

Walking up to you, you smile and look me over. Seeing your smile at my all new figure, makes me feel great. I'm beautiful. I'm beautiful..You look me in the eyes and say," good job."

I shrug off the painful blow. As you hold my hand and walk down the hallway with me... Seeing your friends in the distance you let go and look back to me and say," you're not ready yet."

I begin to Stop eating again. I'm so ashamed. i look in the mirror and see, fat, stretched over... fat... i must be 80 pounds.... you want me when I'm 80 pounds?... So about 3 weeks go by and I'm now 92 pounds.

I've been at this weight for about 2 weeks, i can't drop anymore... i don't understand... I'm getting weaker and weaker as the days go on. I'm not sleeping much anymore, I've got to work out, I've gotta loose more.

I'd go for a run, but my fat just makes me feel insecure. So I'll stay and jump rope for hours at home... I do a few push ups and a few crunches. i also do a few squats too keep my leg muscles strong. but muscle weighs more than fat, so i can't over do it.

Finally i reach 89 pounds, the lowest i can ever remember being... I walk by the mirror and see the skin drooping off my body.Gross i think to myself, but you think I'm beautiful now...

So make-up smeared over the droopy eyes and the bags under my eyes so they aren't noticeable. Cute little tank tops and cute little shorts.. they're size 1 and they seem to just hang off me...

Shaking underneath the weight of my backpack. i hop out of the car at school... slowly walking toward you, I'm feeling sick... but i tell myself the look on your face is you, approving of me..

You just stare at me and kiss my cheek. My heart races, you love me... I'm beautiful.. you're friends walk up and you introduce me. I'm your girlfriend, Marina and they all smile and say hey.

I don't realize it but my legs are shaking.. and I'm so pail... you turn and we begin to walk down the hall way. and without a second to breath, i collapse.

You're just looking down at me.. and walk away... I'm so angry.. i did this for you.. how could i be so stupid
how could i be so blind.. You would never love me...

so now that I'm laying in the hospital bed, i ask you.. Am i beautiful now?... Now that my organs are shutting down, and my body is breaking apart. Do you love me now? how do i look now? You don't come by you don't call... you don't love me, after all... I'm dieing now, because I've starved myself.

Am i Beautiful now?
~Marina