I don't want anyone

I want to lock the bedroom door behind me
And turn the music up
Loud.
I don't want anyone to hear me
When I scream from the pain
When I scream from the anger
When I scream because I can't do it
Anymore.
I don't want anyone to hear
The sobs racking my body
Making me shake
I don't want anyone to see me
When I hurt so much
That I can no longer stand
That I can no longer hold my head up
But when I make it to my room
The screams are mute
The tears won't come
All I can do is shake
All I can do is feel the pain
Feel the intensity of what I can no longer bear
Feel the hurt that has embedded itself in me
Feel like I'm not worth of anyone
Especially you
So I turn and make sure that the door is locked
And that the music is turned up loud
because
I don't want anyone to see me
I don't want anyone to hear me
Dig my nails into my skin
Search around for a blade
Beat my head into the ground
Punch the wall till my knuckles bleed
I don't want anyone to see me
I need to be okay
I need to be who everyone expects me to be
I need to be an actual person
Not just a shell
I need to be fine
I finally give into the sweet surrender
Of my blade that I have located
I feel the blood run down my arm
I let it roll on to the white towel
Staining it red
But that's okay, I'll bleach it later
I let my brain go fuzzy
I let my world fade to black
Later I wake up
And realize that now
I'm fine.