Opinionated Mind

Opinionated Mind

Seems like everyone asks how I am everyday
And everyday it gets easier and easier to just repeat that Iâ??m ok
Seems like I donâ??t feel the tears that fall from my eyes anymore
Like my face has gone numb
My mind tired of spinning my morals in circles
It isnâ??t enough anymore to just smile on the simplicity
Though she paints a story of happiness and joy
She doesnâ??t tell
She wonâ??t repeat the words she says
Sometimes I wonder if she is even there
She sends my mind into a whirl of hate and distrust
She makes me so mad that I scream and cry
But every time it occurs I just say â??yesmamâ?? and let it pass by
I stop to think about the good it would do to share
The stories and what she really says
Whether it is worth repeating or if I should just suck it up and take it in the end
Every time she messes up or makes a stupid move
Itâ??s like the crowd of my family is turning all eyes on me
â??Is she ok?â??
Yea Iâ??m fine
Sometimes I want to scream it in her face
How I really am
Who I really do love
And the saddest secret of them all
I remember Lauraâ??s words
â??Never sacrifice your happinessâ??
What about the choice that it would result in?
What about what she would say?
If she knew about her
If she knew about my own choices and ways
The saddest part is
Maybe life wouldnâ??t be so bad if she disowned me
Maybe I could smile halfway honestly
Without breaking even more inside
I wish I just had a normal mom
Maybe one that would just say that she does love me
Not because she has to but just to tell me for that day
I wonder what it would be like to have that safety net
What it would feel like to get hurt and have your mom turn to ask honestly if youâ??re ok
Iâ??m so thankful for my horses
My only release
It stops the cutting
It holds off the sweaters that I wear around my house
But lately itâ??s hard
To want something so bad that it hurts
To miss something that you never had
To face the decisions that I will inevitably have to make
So you go on believing that it will get better
That wounds and hearts will heal
Just to live out another day
To see what tomorrow may bring

- Abby Gwynne Musselman
- September 14, 2007