U shouldnt come back

by uuhhmmss   Jan 3, 2008


Sorrows and pain of losing you,
a useless life for me to go through.
i was hurt when u left,
And still hurt when u came back.

its us again,
but its not really us.
i plan for us,
you plan for her.

i just wish as the year end,
to end it all,
to end my life,
to end my suffering.

forget the past,
forget who i am,
forget about you,
and there will be no turning back

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Latest Comments

  • 15 years ago

    by uuhhmmss

    Tanx i really appreciate the comment =)

  • 15 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "Sorrows and pain of losing you,
    a useless life for me to go through.
    i was hurt when u left,
    And still hurt when u came back."

    Okay first suggesstion is changing all the "i"s to "I"s. Just capitalize all of your "i"s to make it proper grammar.

    Another thing, spell out "u" to "you" its just easier and more proper to read.

    "its us again,
    but its not really us.
    i plan for us,
    you plan for her."

    I felt this stanza could have been stronger, more descriptive words, it was just not that interesting to read.

    "i just wish as the year end,
    to end it all,
    to end my life,
    to end my suffering."

    First line: "end" should be "ends".

    Love the repeption but I think you could describe more, try this:

    "to end every bit of it,
    to end my lonely, bitter, life,
    to end my eternal suffering."

    Just my opinion though.

    "forget the past,
    forget who i am,
    forget about you,
    and there will be no turning back"

    Good job, the repeptition of "forget" was good, it added emotions. Just one other thing, in every new word of each new line, capitalize the first letter of that word. So like ^in the last stanza it would be:

    "Forget.....
    Forget....
    Forget....
    And...."

    Otherwise, nice work, good emotions but I think it could have been more descriptive and used more imagery. 4/5 from me, take care..

  • 15 years ago

    by uuhhmmss

    Tank you josh...
    i appreciate the comment =)

  • 16 years ago

    by uuhhmmss

    Sure thanx, not a problem ..... =)

  • 16 years ago

    by Lemma

    Great use of repetition, hope everything is ok. Thanks for the tarpaulin idea =)

    Em xXx