Race For The Sunlight

"You live in fear of flying knuckles but you cant seem to change
Trapped in this house, trapped in this house like a cage"
^^^
[ I'm not sure how I like the beginning. The beginning is supposed to grab one's attention and pull them in. Although I do somewhat like the beginning line, I just don't feel it's a very strong beginning. And I dislike the repetition here at the beginning as well.]

"Slave to your man, who cant find compassion for you
He comes home drunk in a rage, its nothing new"
^^^
[Hm. I must be honest, I really don't like these two lines at all; "you" and "new" are such cliche rhymes, Alex.. I know you can do better.]

"Leaves you crying curled up in a ball, hiding scared
Alcohols struck again leaving him completely impaired"
^^^
[It should be: "...hiding[,] scared...".
And again, I don't like it. You usually do really well, but your personalizing the poem a lot.. you're telling a story in detail, and although detail is fantastic, it's the kind of details that make you picture your own story that are amazing. Does that make sense?]

"Opening a new scar to seal old wounds with a knife
Another night spent crying under the moons unforgiving light"
^^^
[I do like this line a bit.. the first, not so much, but the second, a lot more. It's very creative; although you broke the rhyme scheme and should be shot [kidding!] I liked the wording anyways.]

"The night speaks to you and gives you some new hope
A reason to live and a means of learning to cope"
^^^
[Again, you've gone cliche on the meaning, but the way you worded the second sentence was very nice. -clap,clap-]

""Leave with the first light, go when you still see the moon
Run for the sunlight, new opportunities now open for you.""
^^^
[Now, I'm not sure where this came from, and perhaps you should add another two lines explaining who or what's talking here... but I do love these lines. They're very creative and bring light to the poem.]

"Dance while you scream that you are now finally free
Free to seek your goals and become what youve wanted to be"
^^^
[Alex... You're killing me with cliche. "Free" and "be"? Babe, I know you've got better...]

"Free to find the love that has waited all this time for you
Happiness never felt so real til you felt the dawn ridden with dew"
^^^
[Nowwww. This is what I like. "happiness never felt so real til you felt the dawn ridden with dew". I LOVE that.. very creative and beautiful all at once. Although, I think you should take out the word "with".. it makes it flow a little better, but beautiful job.]

"Life has finally cut you a break under the new morning blue
Reality sinks in as you find no love here waiting for you"
^^^
[Alright, I disliek the first line a lot..
and the seconds one's not too bad. However, "blue" and "you".. cliche me, buddy.]

"Lost as you wander; you begin to ask the night questions
Wonder if its judgment was actually a plan of destruction"
^^^
[Hmm. I'm not sure what to think of these lines. Creative rhyming, -yay!- but the two lines don't seem to flow with the rest of the poem; they seemed to have come from nowhere? I'm not sure, maybe I'm delusional.]

"Find that the night was disguised as fate set out for your demise
Distressed you're reduced to ending it all under the beating sunlight"
^^^
[Ohhh, again, you killed the rhyme scheme, but I really, really like these lines. You described in a way that told us what you were thinking, but let's us imagine a little on our own. Now that's how I like it. :).]

""Lost in the sunlight, leave, you will not see the moon.
Walk for the first time, find no one has waited for you..." "
^^^
[Oohhhhh. I realllllly like these ending lines. Although I detested some of the lines in this poem, this is definately my favorite.]

[Over all, you didn't do too badly. I'm sure you realized it yourself, but you did skip rhyme scheme a bit, and you lost a little flow... you went cliche hardcore on me a few times.. but overall, you did an okay job. Keep it up.]

xTheEcastasyofSuicidex 4.5

Great poem. too often are we let down by our own dreams for better things