Actually, they're sea lions; the difference is they have ear flaps... I wish I had ear flaps.

Have you ever had Fruity Pebbles? Once that stuff hits milk, it turns into a narcotic!

That was the meanest thing I've ever heard... And I'm the guy that said it.

(This actually occurred with my friend's uncle...)

Officer : Sir, can you please step out of the car.
Man : Officer, can you please step INTO this car?

(I actually say this to people)

I am a virgin... I have not made love to a man, a woman, or a chicken.

Well... you're the most depressing thing since the Crucifixion...

Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned.