Whatever you give a woman, she is going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. So if you give her crap, you will receive a ton of shit.

Live without pretending, Love without depending, Listen without defending, Speak without offending.

A strong woman is one who is able to smile this morning like she wasn't crying last night.

Dear Dora, how in the hell did do you get that tiny shirt to fit over your big head...Sincerely, thats physically impossible!

You traded your iPhone 4 for an extra inch? Hope your girlfriend doesn't do the same.

Say this out loud five times fast! 'I won a math debate.'

Okay, what does this dress say to you? Uh...beware of crazy ladies who talk to dresses?

I am intoxicated by the feelings that I fantasize you feel for me.

Yes, we did share a lot of chemistry, but that was before the lab blew up.

New condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she's going to get your paychecks.