Stop the Stigma

Sorry for the long post. Posting this, because I think sharing my experience is the best way to encourage people, even if just one person, to seek help.

Two years ago, I started having panic attacks (chills, dizziness, numb fingers), mostly at night. At first, they used to happen only when I was alone at home, overthinking and stressing about my thesis and work. But then, they became much more frequent that my boyfriend knew about them. I thought that was merely a result of being tired the whole time. I didn't see a therapist. Like I always do, I procrastinated checking my health, and always found excuses for myself like "nobody got time for that", or "I'm fine, it's just my crappy immune system". I also dislike taking meds, knowing what chemicals might do to the body if the diagnosis is wrong.
Then it escalated. Gradually. The anxiety got worse. I sometimes found it hard to focus at work, and I stopped paying attention to my appearance. It wasn't terrible. I didn't take it seriously. But I should have.

A few months later, I was a nightmare to everybody around me. I cried hysterically for no reason whenever someone made the slightest comment. I felt threatened and hated by my closest friends, and by my sister. I pushed my boyfriend once when he moved near me, thinking he was going to hurt me. I created fights out of nothing. At the same time, I demanded the same people (my boyfriend, sister, friends) to sit with me or sleep over, and just generally be with me the WHOLE time. It was exhausting for them, and I was aware of that but I couldn't help it. I hated myself and I had persistent suicidal thoughts.

Then a few weeks later, all of a sudden, I was completely alright. I woke up refreshed and feeling energetic and optimistic and positive about everything. I offered my coworkers as much help as I possibly could. I bought my sister very expensive clothes. I threw an exaggerated surprise birthday party for my boyfriend. I was feeling enthusiastic and very active that I finished a huge part of my thesis in less than a week. I worked in the lab for long hours everyday. I had so much energy that I couldn't sleep, (I actually always had sleeping issues). I stopped eating, I was exercising the whole time. It wasn't long before I felt as though something sucked the life out of me. I felt faint, exhausted and absentminded all day long. For a long time, getting out of bed in the morning, or talking to people at work, or lecturing students or anything that I got used to doing, felt like the hardest job ever. I was completely frustrated and resentful that I started taking it out on my body, picking at my skin until it started to bleed, biting my lips, wounding myself "accidentally" then scratching the wound. The physical pain was a temporary distraction from the mental pain. I knew something was wrong with me, I knew that I should seek help, but I was too depressed to do that. Nothing, literally nothing, made sense anymore. I thought of ways to kill myself. Never actually attempted suicide, because I always worried about my sister. I was worried about how heartbroken she will feel if I do something like that. And my boyfriend. And my puppy. I couldn't be this selfish, even though it was very tempting. Then I snapped out of it, and went back to feeling alive all over again after a while. I was feeling either extremely happy or incredibly depressed. I got trapped in this circle of emotions for a few months.
Until.
I got sick. Severely sick. Fever, nausea, vomiting, shaking, hallucinating. My body was falling apart. Everyone thought it was because I might've been eating junk food, but medication barely helped.

My boyfriend was the one who took care of me the most. And when I got a bit better, and was conscious, he begged me to go see a psychiatrist. He insisted and promised he knows a very good doctor until I said ok. He drove me there. Waited for me outside.

Turns out I suffered from a long list of mental illnesses. Bipolar Depression Disorder II, Anorexia, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, anxiety, Paranoid Personality Disorder.
And turns out what triggered them was a couple of things that I never really thought would affect me on the long run.
Reason #1: An accident when I was in high school. A principle sexually (verbally) harassed me multiple times. I told dad and that jerk was fired. But I never thought it would lead to mental illness. I even usually tell that story with a broad smile on my face.
Reason #2: My previous boss at work used to bully me. She always emphasized the fact that she thinks I'm worthless. She accused me of being lazy and stupid and undeserving of my job.

And the main reason behind my illness was the sudden deaths of both my father and my ex-boyfriend. Which wasn't surprising.

First day of treatment was awful. I started taking six types of medication everyday. I was still shocked that I am mentally-ill, even though I never thought less of people with mental illness. But it was hard to accept that -I- am mentally ill. I also was very disappointed that I neglected myself.

BUT. Even though I have been taking meds for only one month, things started getting much better. So far: no more ups and downs. No more anger, irritation or bad temper. Things aren't black or white anymore. They are just grey. I am now focusing much more at work. My relationship is normal again. My friends are noticing the progress. No more binge-eating, or not eating at all. No more phobias or fear of failure or fear of people or feeling like everyone's gossiping about me and wanting me away from them. There might be still a couple of issues I have to work on, but for the most part, I'm very relieved.

I just want to say that no matter how strong and accomplished you are, you're not immune to mental illness. If you're feeling something is abnormal, please book an appointment with a therapist. QUICKLY. Don't hesitate. There is nothing wrong with you, and you shouldn't feel ashamed about it. My biggest regret is that I let myself suffer this much before I sought help.

Thank you for sharing this and for getting help. Mental illness doesn't need to be a stigma but so many people are afraid to seek help. You are living proof that it is important to seek help. I'm glad you are getting the help you need, you do matter, you are important and most of all loved. Hugs-

Thank you, Brenda. I'm glad as well that I got the help I needed. Best decision ever.

Thank you for sharing. You’ve been through so much, but I love the fact that you don’t give up. Keep on thriving and being an inspiration (I don’t mean it in anyway that you might feel force to being such, but rather, I mean it in the way that you may continue to be a healthier version of you always). I feel happy for you.

Thank you, Luce. Therapy (and my boyfriend) totally changed my life. I feel pretty good even though I still have two months to reach the required dosage.

Also, I would love to hear others' experiences and stories with mental illness. Let this thread be like a support group, where we inspire each other and share our personal coping mechanisms. Sorry if this is silly. And sorry that I use this site as my diary. It's all because I feel comfortable here.

I hope you realize how much of an impact sharing your experiences does have, and like you mentioned, I think it's helped at least one person. So glad you made this thread, seriously, thanks for that. I know you've made threads in the past about mental health and opened the discussion which many of us need, somewhere safe where we can be honest. There is nothing silly about that ever. It's admirable and important and makes my heart feel less alone. I am happy that you have seen and witnessed the progress and furthermore, that you sought the help and started that journey of acceptance, self-love and realizing you should not have to suffer this much. Medication or therapy, especially the combination, can be crucial, though I will be one to admit it's hard to take the steps into realizing and understanding the many parts of our mental illness. It's complicated. When you mentioned the medication, that resonated with me. Recently, every day has convinced me more and more that I need to be back on medication. I was on meds for quite a few years but always had the worst of the side effects. It used to be very discouraging because the doctor would tell me to wait a few weeks to see the benefits. Luckily, I did find something that helped stabilize my intrusive thoughts or erratic emotions. That's key. Not silencing, but having a balance. Having some clarity. Different meds do different things and sometimes it can be an agonizing (yet worthwhile) process of finding the right combination. All the power and love to you all, no matter how many months/years it takes to recognize the triggers and seek treatment. No one is weak for waiting, sometimes we are just scared. It's a lot to take in. Also, depression and other mental illnesses can look and be vastly different for each person. It doesn't have to mean staying in bed all day. High-functioning depression is a real thing. Wish more people understood that you don't have to necessarily have a trauma or a bad childhood, one event in the past etc, there can be a mixture of reasons and your pain or how you suffer is just as valid.

When I got admitted to the hospital at 19, a nurse asked me what happened to cause a suicide attempt. She asked if there were new stresses in my life. Did I just go through a break-up? Did my parents divorce? etc. I couldn't answer her. I felt like I hadn't suffered enough because it was a build-up of things over the years that I couldn't properly express. I know she was simply trying to help but it wasn't until years later that I could actually speak and write about my exact feelings.

Depression affected me junior year of high school, though no one realized that's what it was at the time. My parents thought it was being a teenager. My teachers were baffled as to why the person who used to care about school and learning no longer cared. I was consistently late to first period class which caused me to get in trouble with our dean. This was a complete 360 from my freshmen/sophomore year when I was incredibly outgoing. Self-harm halfway through junior year only isolated me further. My biggest regret was not reaching out to a teacher as I actually had two that really cared about my well-being and who could be trusted.

Fast forward to college... not for me. Now I can look back and be like, whoa, I didn't do myself any favors. Taking over 21 credits AND working a demanding part-time job in retail, up at 7 AM for class then leave around 3 PM and work until 10 PM. Keeping myself isolated outside of classes, I began restricting food. After all, no one really checked up on me and I could easily hide it. I was curvy, perhaps an average or slight above average weight for someone my height and age, and no one would have any idea how I punished myself if I ate this or that. Then binging happened and it became a back-and-forth cycle that took so much from me. Both financially and through adding shame, even more shame than anything else I'd been through.

I feel relieved in a way that I can pinpoint or have a "timeline" in my mind. It helps ground me, see growth and pattern. Sometimes thinking back does trigger me, how desperately I hid it. A few weeks ago, my mom was cleaning a room in our house and she found a journal and looked at it briefly, then realizing it was mine, handed it straight to me. The first page was from many years ago when I tracked calories of each meal. Let's just say it was an unhealthy number. My heart kind of sunk. I realized how badly I wanted that control, how embedded those thoughts were, and how there are still remnants of that in me today.

The biggest stigma I see (and personally fear) with eating disorders: you don't have to be a certain weight to be struggling. The DSM5 actually removed EDNOS (eating disorders not otherwise specified, which was the most common diagnosis for disordered eating) from the manual, and instead of a vague diagnosis, chose to broaden terms of anorexia, bulimia and binge eating disorder to include and validate those who are suffering. There are more subcategories now instead of very critical view that you can't be this if you are not at this BMI . I've read many stories of people being turned away from treatment or not receiving the care they need because they weren't at a life-threatening weight, when often, I think it's the behavior that is crucial to pay attention to. Not just what someone weighs, but if they have intrusive thoughts, how they view themselves, etc. It's also made me sensitive and weary of ever commenting or praising someone for their weight, because you don't know how they lost it or what their thought process is. If I lost weight now, people would probably comment and ask me how, and if I didn't lose it in a good way, that could feed into the backwards thinking of EDs.

I've been battling with myself for the past few years, to receive an updated diagnosis and to address how my eating disorder, though never officially diagnosed, still negatively affects my thoughts and causes obsessive thinking. At the time when I sought help for my self-harm and suicidal ideation, my eating habits were hidden as I felt my self-harm and depressions were more pressing issues. It wasn't until later in therapy that I even brought up how wrong and dangerous my thoughts were about weight/food etc. My therapist wasn't too helpful but I didn't really give him a chance. Other things in my life were better and I wasn't being as impulsive so I thought hey, I'm okay for now. Years have passed and now I'm back in that hopeless rut, and I know, even going to work and walking Baxter every day, that it shouldn't be this hard. I deserve more than simply getting through the day, though at times, that's all one can do.

Even if you're not in a crisis, which was my reason for going to therapy in the first place, that shouldn't negate or invalidate or make you question your struggle. As Noura said, if something is abnormal, if you've ever had the slightest inclination or idea to see someone, try it. It can be frustrating to find someone sure, but you deserve it. And there is nothing wrong with trying a few therapists to see which is the most beneficial. Many of them have varying styles and techniques.

Love you so much, Noura! And everyone on here. No amount of thanks is enough for this thread <3

"I've read many stories of people being turned away from treatment or not receiving the care they need because they weren't at a life-threatening weight, when often, I think it's the behavior that is crucial to pay attention to."

That was the case for me. My weight was just fine, my face wasn't pale, I looked normal. But my mind kept torturing me. Calculating the calories, judging myself if I ate more than I previously planned, trying methods (some are dangerous) to lose pounds, having this persistent thought to starve myself but not being able to then hating myself for it... etc. It was hard and frustrating. And I hid it, just like you did. Didn't have the guts to tell anyone that I think I'm fat, because I was scared they might think I'm attention-seeking. At the same time, I desperately wanted people to reassure me that I look thin the whole time.

I think you're very brave, MarryAnne. While everyone around you didn't pay attention to your depression and thought you were just a teenager, you didn't give up. I know how scared and lonely a depressed person would feel, especially when they have a job and go to school and just seem to have a perfectly normal life. That was the case for me, as well. I didn't stay at home, even though some days it was very, and I mean very hard to get out of my bed. I thought I was just being lazy, (especially that I had been called lazy on many occasions).

Did you try things other than medication? Like meditation or talking to a therapist (who can't prescribe meds, just gives you more insight and guidance)? I'm curious. I was advised (by my boyfriend) to dedicate even if just one hour everyday to do something that I know can make me feel good. Like painting. I'd been too busy to do that for years. I haven't done anything for my own happiness for a long time. Just work, duties, studying, teaching, deadlines, meetings, solving financial issues... that has been my life for the past couple of years. I think I should start taking time for self-care.

Also, do your friends or family members know about your mental issues? A few people know about my illnesses, but I still haven't had the courage to be ok with everyone knowing about it.

Love you too, MarryAnne. I think you're an extraordinary, strong woman and I'm always inspired by your deep understanding of things.

Thank you so much, I think you're brave too, beyond belief. It's incredibly hard when we hid things and when our mind tortures us. It can seem impossible to get through. You've always given me and so many others such amazing, steadfast support <3

I did see a therapist for around two years, separate from my psychiatrist, and that did help at the time. He had a lot of compassion and helped me understand my thoughts and changing emotions. That's when I learned to truly open up in my writing, to vent this way and not keep everything bottled in. It was actually when I was taking a creative writing class in college too and my professor had us watch slam poets and perform our poetry in front of others. The first poem I shared to our class was about suicidal ideation, masked as a metaphor. We all connected through our poetry through we were mostly strangers otherwise.

Gradually as I learned healthier coping mechanisms, I didn't see my therapist as much. My psychiatrist then retired so I tapered off my meds (it seemed too stressful to research who took my insurance and find someone else etc) and didn't think I needed a therapist anymore either. I was stable, which was a huge improvement, but have been contemplating finding another therapist since it's been awhile. Especially one that's LGBTQ+ friendly, super important to me personally.

That's fantastic advice from your boyfriend! That could be beneficial to so many people, just to have a designated hour or two set aside for them and no one else. My routine lately has been to get up a hour earlier than I need to in order to have a few cups of tea and read before work. I love making trips to the library, but recently I've been re-reading old favorites that bring me comfort. I also have an hour or two after I tuck Baxter in for the night where I watch a lighthearted show, usually "The Office" or "Schitt's Creek". Something I know well and can relax and have a few laughs.

I don't think I ever knew you painted, how neat! What do you usually paint if I can ask or is it never the same thing? That sounds so relaxing, like you could get lost in it. Self-care is a beautiful thing, especially because it can mean different things for people. It doesn't have to be one specific thing.

Yes and no to the question about if my family/friends know. I isolated back in high school and college and lost friends that way. I also don't think they understood the severity and confusion I was facing, why I never wanted to hang out etc. They got a bit fed up and I don't blame them. We were never truly close and friendship is two-way. I have one good childhood friend, and her mother is my mom's best friend, that we talk openly about mental health. I don't update her too much but she understands, especially facing her own anxiety, when it's more than simply a "bad day".

My mom's new job is at a psychiatry office where she works as a receptionist. She's honestly great with learning more about mental health and has the compassion for it. She talks with her sister everyday who lives out of state and deals with schizophrenia. It's gotten progressively worse, add in dementia, yet my mom tries, even uses certain recovery terms that helps my aunt out. It's funny and kind of ironic that we talk about mental health often and feel the weight of the stigmas yet I find it hard to be too personal since I feel like that's a burden to her.

My problem again comes back to isolating. I'll pretend everything is fine, especially when there are other pressing family matters, and as long as I can go day-to-day that's okay, and perhaps part of me worries that I will be told "well you seem fine", since I cope better and have good days, that doesn't mean I don't still battle though. Being told by several people that I'm too sweet a girl to be going through depression and how can it be since I'm always smiling... well I know people mean well, but that adds to a stigma too in a way.

I relate to much of what you said. Being unable to socialize or function properly but HAVING to, is a challenge. Especially, like your case, one has other pressing family or work issues to deal with. I feel that distracts us from treating the mental illness, while it gets worse as we bury it deep inside, until it floats to the surface and it's no longer bearable.

It's super impressive that you wake up a few hours BEFORE work, haha. I'm not really a morning person. Where do you work? Is it a 9 to 5 job like mine where you have to patient and understanding and coorporative the whole time? Ugh. Can't wait to freelance again. But that isn't possible now.

Did Baxter help? My Baxter did. He gave me one more reason to be strong. His unconditional love and attachment added so much to my self-worth.
And yes, painting is very relieving for me. I usually paint people or puppies. Or draw sketches of random things. Not very professionally but I enjoy it.
I remember you are a pianist? Or is your pnq account name what made me presume that?

As for the LGBTQ thing, well, I totally agree. I didn't even have the chance to "explore" my sexual orientation. I was "raised" to be heterosexual, even though I remember being attracted to females when I was a young teenager. But that was totally squashed down, when I kept hearing people say how "wrong" and "disgraceful" being homosexual is. I was a girl who always followed the rules. I wasn't a rebel against traditions until I turned 19. One of my best friends is gay, and I hear judgmental and rude remarks on a daily basis because I support him. I had to ditch many people and cut them off when they attacked him for coming out. It's sickening how ill-mannered and uncivil people could be. So I understand why you can't trust a homophobic therapist. I don't trust homophobic people in general.

It's great your mother works in a psychiatry office. And it's very nice that she's trying to help your aunt in every possible way. Schizophrenia is a severe mental illness. My cousin is schizophrenic. My uncle is schizophrenic. My dad's cousin is schizophrenic. It runs in the family. Dad always worried we might develop it. Thankfully we didn't. But from what I witnessed, it might be the most difficult and serious mental condition. Hopefully, your aunt is accepting the treatment? Especially since you said she has dementia. We had to dissolve the meds in the coffee for my cousin to take, without him knowing.

And you actually ARE too sweet a girl. :)

“would love to hear others' experiences and stories with mental illness.”

Hmmm... let’s see. Well, come to think about it, I usually have anxiety but nothing too bad. Cleaning the house and cooking while listening to music helped/helps me deal with it. It’s my fun way of distressing. After doing that, I usually write whatever comes and I feel great.

Now, what I am about to share may not be a topic some may like. So read at your own discretion or skip to other post. This is my story and my opinion.

Okay, my first pregnancy delivery wasn’t “easy” neither “normal” even though it was vaginal delivery. Everything seemed to be okay the first few days after. I was happy holding my baby. Though I didn’t feel myself but I figured it was “normal” not to after having delivered my baby girl. Anyways, I got released from the hospital. I continued taking pain relievers as directed by Doctor. I went on with my life. I was excited to go through the recovery period. However, a few days after being released I got re-admitted to the hospital. Turns out, I stopped taking the pain relievers and my body couldn’t deal with the pain. At this point, I was at my moms house. She found me laying in bed. My body was almost unresponsive. I was shaking. I was cold. I tried to move but couldn’t. The pain was worst than the contractions when in active labor. Mom took me to the doctor. Doctor tells me I have endometritis (infection in my uterus) and that i have to be admitted to the hospital to be administered 3 types of antibiotics for a 48 hours period. After that, the recovery period was long. I couldn’t tend to my baby girls needs. I couldn’t tend to my own needs. I was like another baby. At that moment, my parents support helped me. My mom who looked after my baby girl and me (my dad too). My heroes. Oh well, fast forward, I recovered. Then, well, i started searching for contraceptives. I got the Copper IUD, and guess what? Suddenly, I was so depressed. Life became so Dull. I didn’t want for the next day to come. Food was tasteless. I was extremely tired. I became indifferent. There were days when I felt like I didn’t want to live. I thought it was due to what I had gone through but then I remembered that I started feeling strange after getting the IUD. Hence, I googled if anyone else felt like I felt after getting the IUD. Turns out there were forums with women sharing how they felt. Many of them experienced lots of panic attacks. Many were greeted with bouts of Anxiety. Many were feeling like I was feeling. So I went back to the doctor to have it removed. After some days after removal, I started feeling like myself again. I still have my anxiety but it’s nothing too bad. Now, my second pregnancy delivery was normal yay. No infections. I am seven weeks postpartum and feeling great. Tired but great. I looked forward to living. I’m just glad that I was able to find out the culprit at what was causing the depression that made me feel like I wanted to die. In my case, it wasn’t what I went through with my first pregnancy but the copper iud. Some contraceptives are good for some women but not for others.

Oh my god. Luce. That must have been an awful experience. Intrauterine devices can have many disadvantages. They are painful and make menstrual cramps unbearable, and might cause pelvic infection. I don't know for sure if Copper IUDs could cause copper toxicity as well, though I assume they could. But I never thought they would lead to depression or anxiety. Never been taught that in college. It's good that you figured out what the reason behind your depression was. Glad your second delivery wasn't as painful and hard as the first delivery, and that you have two healthy kids. Glad your parents were there for you. Also glad your husband has been helpful and supportive. Many men wouldn't have the same sense of responsibility.

I love this thread. I was having anxiety last night and checked in on PnQ, read this thread, and subsequently felt well enough to fall asleep. Stopping the stigma is so important. Although I am 100% in support of others who have mental illness, and I love it when people normalize how we are not all the same, I am extremely judgmental of myself and struggle to talk about my mental health with others. I often feel like it's one of my roles to keep it all together so that others know they can depend on me emotionally, so I am in the habit of tucking everything away. Really only Kevin knows the extent of my anxiety and how my anxiety is expressed/the symptoms. There are some aspects I'm very embarrassed about that I do not talk about with others, but I am fairly open when talking about my panic attacks. Like some of you, I struggled with depression for many years. As a teenager, I was on and off anti-depressants and in and out of therapy. I was diagnosed with "severe" depression, although I was never very suicidal.

Crap, wrong account. It's me, Jane.

Noura...I can totally understand why you would feel stressed on a daily bases living the life that you are forced to live and to find help and talk about it on here is wonderful I think. To the others who have contributed...Maryanne and Jane, I would ask, can you actually focus on what causes the anxiety, I know MA said it was a number of factors but...being pushed to narrow it down, could you?

EDIT

Sorry I missed Luce's post

delivering a baby is an .experience' no matter what way you deliver..

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Thank you everyone for sharing your stories. I am sorry each of you has been struggling so much, but at the same time I am in awe of the bravery you show by sharing your story. I do hope this openness becomes the norm too in our every day lives. Each of your stories is unique and it goes to show that mental illness doesn't have one face, it has many.

I have struggled with depression all of my life, due to childhood traumas and unconventional upbringing in a dual-culture, but only got diagnosed officially seven years ago. My mental state is what often leads me to write, which is why most of my poems are sad I guess. Somehow I struggle communicate it in this thread, though. I've been thinking long about posting in here but I just couldn't come up with the words. I feel like I am kind of at rock bottom these days where nothing excites me and writing goodbye letters to the people I love becomes more and more tempting. I feel like I keep digging up old habits again to make myself hate myself even more, I feel like I am psychologically priming myself to justify taking the next steps... although I am still in therapy and started to take anti-depressants since a week.

Sorry, I hope I can share my story one day but thanks for being here.

Thanks, Hellon. It wasn't an easy journey. I doubted that I was gonna make it through. My boyfriend was the reason I accepted therapy.

I know I'm not Jane or MarryAnne, but I could answer that question for myself. I don't know. I don't know when I start getting anxious, or what triggers it. I usually think about work and stuff, then find myself extremely worried, unable to breathe and shaking and crying.

Obscure, I'm not a psychologist, but seems to me you're suffering from Bipolar Depression Disorder I. I read about it a lot. The hearing voices thing, loss of concentration, eating disorder, suicidal thoughts. They're all symptoms of BDD. What did your psychologist say about the hearing voices? Some doctors may diagnose it as Schitzophrenia, when it's not, that's what my own psychologist told me. I suggest you listen to more than one opinion and diagnosis.

I'm sorry you're having to go through that. I hate myself when I "feel" fat, even if everyone told me that I'm not. It's not easy at all. And things like this (especially if it's not severe) goes undiagnozed (at least where I live). Keeping friends was hard for me too, though some stuck with me for longer than ten years. I wasn't the best girlfriend, either. I know what you're talking about. You want people but at the same time, you push them away.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm sure it wasn't easy to talk about it. Whenever you need a friend to listen to you, you could talk to me.

Hellon, true.
Each pregnancy and delivery is a different experience. I was certain that my second one would be the same as my first but doctor assured me that what I went through with my first one is not how a vaginal delivery should have been. She was right. By the way, if you don’t mind me asking, ( you don’t have to respond though) have you ever experienced any anxiety?

Noura,
I also didn’t learn that in college. I’ve been reading forums and I actually joined a group on Facebook about copper toxicity related to the Copper iud. There’s so many women posting their experiences. A few of them haven’t experienced any issues other than heavier menstrual periods but the majority have had to deal with panic attacks and anxiety due to it. The doctors assured them and even deemed some of them crazy for thinking the iud was the culprit. The doctors thoughts are copper iud is not hormone based so it shouldn’t cause any problems. I hope there will be more research done into copper and how it affects us.

Saerulune,
I miss reading your blog.

Obscure,
Have you tried exercising as a hobby? I mean not with the intention of losing weight but just for doing an activity.

Luce, yes, it's non-hormonal, but I can assure you that high levels of Cu would lead to depression (especially post-partum), and anxiety, because it makes the body synthesize more norepinephrine and adrenaline. After all, the copper is the active material that kills the sperms and eggs, so it definitely will be elevating copper levels.
But I'm surprised, because how can a woman get THAT much copper from an IUD? :/ It's weird.

Saerulune, I'm sorry I missed your post. I love you and your poetry, and thank you for taking the time to read. You know you're always welcome to say whatever you want, when feel comfortable.

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Noura - I confess, I'm not a morning person either! I work part-time in the afternoon though, so I can leisurely get up and start my day in a relaxing way. I know that will not always be the case. I've been thinking night shifts would be neat as I fear the stress of a 9-5 if it's not somewhere I love, just somewhere I have to work to survive. I also dog-walk on the side, and it works out that I can do that before I go to work.

Yes, Baxter helped and continues to help so much! Glad to hear your Baxter does too, we both are lucky to have them in our lives. In my lowest moments, I remind myself that although Baxter would be cared for my parents and in good hands, I could not leave him. He's a senior dog, requires a lot of patience but has a HUGE personality. We have a routine now that's taken time to understand but helps with his restlessness. My greatest joys are being able to take him on walks and especially in the summer, come home from work and drive out in the country. I actually just splurged and bought him a new pool, though it won't be used for months now, it's an upgrade since our one that we got at the grocery store is a few years old and actually fell down the ditch in our backyard the last time it stormed in the summer haha.

I love that you have a hobby you enjoy, would love to see some of your sketches someday, unless they are too personal to you to share. And yep, I'm a pianist. Not for my church anymore. There was a lot of drama and things I didn't believe were being handled very ethically, so I left. It's a relief. I don't play everyday, certainly not professionally, and I'm okay with that. I play when I'm feeling inspired or want to learn something new. Sometimes it's mindless playing in the middle of the night (very quietly in our living room, but still!)

Schizophrenia is severe indeed. There's the different sub-types, but what's so hard is that my aunt tries hard in everything she does. Last time I saw her, she apologized and asked for my forgiveness for a bad thought she had about me. That broke my heart. Mom and I have to reassure her of how kind of a person she is. When she was young, my grandmother kind of hid the struggles she was facing. My mom tells me it's from shame but also not knowing back then how to approach mental illness, not having good resources. Where she's at, there's not a well-attended support group, our NAMI group here in Indiana is apparently better and provides more resources, but she does have her therapist close by. She's good about medication, and has some people in her apartment complex who look out for her too when the voices are bad. Biggest thing right now is, that she dreams of and we know would help, is getting her into a group home. Years ago when she was independent and driving, it wasn't the right choice. But she's been on the waiting list for months and months and hopefully this year something will change for her.

Luce - I'm relieved to find out you felt like yourself again and that you found some answers and understanding in the forums. I'm not too familiar with IUDs, but thank goodness you found the root and went back to the doctor. You are a brave woman and mother in my mind!

Jane - love you so much!

Hellon - hmm, if I had to narrow it down, I would say (I'm a big believer in both nature and nurture as factors), chemical imbalance and the stresses of going straight to college after graduation and working in a fast-paced environment, and me not knowing about self-care. I was a people pleaser, rarely expressed my true feelings, and kept everything bottled up inside then would wonder why I'd lash out. Verbal abuse as a child was also something that followed me through my late teens, early 20s. At the time, I didn't consider it "abuse", since I knew I was lucky to be born into a privileged family, middle-class, roof over my head etc. So I invalidated my own feelings.

Obscure - I hope it's helped some talking here. The disordered eating and self-harm I resonate with so much. It's also challenging to do things in moderation too. I casually exercise with my dog but don't put any expectations as the obsessive thoughts from my history with disordered eating can come back. It's good to have balance and perspective, as well as take it easy with yourself and don't beat yourself up for not doing this or that. Always here if you need to talk, especially about the last part. I was born in a very religious, conservative home and it took years to understand and accept parts of myself. It can be scary, especially isolating or thinking you are alone.

Saerelune - thank YOU for sharing your poetry and a part of your pain that way. It can be incredibly difficult to communicate at times. My heart aches for you that you're dealing with this now. Keep writing, keep going one more day <3

Luce...to answer your question about suffering anxiety myself I think I have been lucky. Sure, I do get nervous about certain things from time to time but, generally after the event I just feel relief and move on. I did have a very traumatic experience with childbirth first time around but the end result far outweighed the bad experience and, thankfully I moved on from it quickly.

I wonder, for this upcoming generation, if the expectations to go to college/get a good job etc are causing some of the anxiety you all feel today? I mean there was no way my family (or any family in my area) could afford to send their kids to college so, the thought never crossed my mind. Mostly you just took any job that was going at the time and got on with it. While it may not seem like the perfect life in today's society I think, in general, people were happier than they are today. There didn't seem to be any stress that I remember experiencing when I was the age that most of you are now. Also, I do not have any experience with social media so I'm asking...do any of you think this may cause some of your anxieties? I'm wondering about influencers here...do they have an affect on how you feel about yourselves?

I think this thread is a great idea for people to open up in but I don't see any guys participating yet so think that, like most things, men still feel it much more difficult to discuss their experiences openly.

Hellon, I feel like a lot of men were raised to never express their emotions openly and to curb their depression. That's why it's hard for them to admit that they're depressed. I'm not generalizing here, but I know a few guys (they're my close friends) who talk to me about it, and can't say the words "I'm depressed" to anyone, because it makes them seem "weak" or not "manly" enough. I feel sad about that, but it's not their fault. It's the society's fault. I hope that changes soon, because it's not fair for them. Men are expected to show anger and shout loudly, when they're upset, but not reveal their sadness.

MarryAnne, wow. Your aunt is very strong. It's clear that she's suffered a lot. But was kind enough to realize she was wrong about you and to admit it.
I hope she gets into a group home soon, and gets better.

Ah, playing the piano. It's my dream. When I have a house for my own, I'm getting a piano right away, and I'll learn how to play. It's my favorite musical instrument. I'd love to listen to you performing! My sketches are not that good, but I would love to show you.

Not a psychologist either, though I will be done with my MSW in May and move onto the process of becoming an LCSW where I will then be qualified to diagnose mental illness. Still a few years away from that, but I wanted to second what Noura mentioned - bipolar disorder is sometimes misdiagnosed as schizophrenia, and there are several mental health diagnoses related to auditory hallucinations. These include schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, major depressive disorder (usually in its severe form), posttraumatic stress disorder, psychosis, bipolar, etc.

Hellon - I think there are intersectional factors at the root of my anxiety. It's definitely worse right now with my schedule: Graduate school, internship, several part time jobs, planning a wedding... I'm probably working 80 hour weeks. I'm under a lot of pressure. I think there's a chemical/neurological/genetic component as well. I've struggled with mental health since adolescence. I've had a traumatic brain injury. I have thyroid issues. My resting heart rate is 100 beats per minute. There's a lot going on and I couldn't tell you what is primary and what is secondary. For instance, does my heart race because of anxiety or does my heart race because of my thyroid? And then does my fast heart rate trick my brain into feeling anxious?

Jane...to be working almost half of the weekly hours is way too much so. can you cut them down somewhat? Is the wedding you're planning your own because you didn't say? If so...can your mum/bridesmaid/friend help you out? Do the ground work for you...I did a whole bunch of stuff when my daughter was getting married because she was working away from home and didn't have the time that I had...I just made her lists of things but she was always in control of choices in the end.

Your resting heart rate is on the high side of normal so I'd keep that in check with your doctor of course. How is your blood pressure if you don't mind me asking?

Edit (removed info as I feel it was going out of tangent)

there is so much about mental illnesses that is unknown. I only hope that one day, it will be possible to understand them.

Sorry, I don’t think I have read over every post. I wish I have. But I’m pretty tired. Hopefully, more people will share their experiences.