Once I had a secret,
had a secret and impaled
ring on unwilling silence,
obligating myself to eternity
with static mystery of mine...
Once I, like a scorpion,
wrapped around her provocative elbow.
Twice. Three times.
Eight times I disguised
my laced wounds with coal,
No, eight times,
eight or zero?
Or it was eight hundred times?
Once, I told a lie,
when I said
that I erstwhile spoke the truth;
under the summer birches
when this from shadows and glue
got that secret,
and left birch,
and cause of its fragrance
and his nose
which dismissed, unsatisfied with escape.
I tried to stay
just a shoulder in a haze
which danced around her weak eyes,
did I accosted to herself?
I accosted to her each time,
and when I hated stars
and when I kissed stars;
I tried to stay just a shoulder,
I tried to banish anguish from your pupils,
but never to be the one for who you will anguish,
I tried to stay only a friend,
never a lover,
but once, I had a secret...
I dislike going through the entire poem and discussing each individual part.
I'll just say, that as a whole ... it was dark, and beautifull romantic, with touches of sadness that I absolutely love in poetry.
It creates a rich atmosphere, and completely makes me feel everything you're feeling. That's what I like about your poetry DarkSpirit ... it always brings the reader right in.
The flow jumped a few times, but otherwise ... beautiful, DarkSpirit, and there's no other way for me to put it.
This is going down in my favourites.
Keep up the good work, my good poet friend.
Overall, this is amazing piece. I think that this is the first love poem that you submitted to the site and honestly, I love it.
First off, this title fits the piece perfectly. I like the topic although I have to admit that I had to read the poem several times to fully grasp the meaning. Your metaphors are superb as always.
The repetition of 'once' 'twice' (and so on) is effective on some places but it threw me off on the others. I don't think that you should change anything about it, it just didn't fit the rhythm that I had in my head for this piece sometimes.
I like the choice of words from the beginning to the end, along with breathtaking atmosphere in every stanza.
The repetition of "once I had a secret" at the end is brilliant, it highlights some cycle of emotions.
This poem is truly amazing. I wish I had the ability to write as creativly and convey emotion as well as you can. I was totally floored when I read the ending. It was just so.. crushing as The Tasteless said. All in all it was just a jaw dropping poem. Congrats. Keep up the great work.