Warrior

by Jack Crimson Nightengale   Nov 27, 2011


Deep in the desert, dead and cast away
Where innocence is buried, in sand
A million miles from home, I'm walking ahead
I'm burnt to the bones, I am

A warrior on my own, I don't know the way
Walking up the heights, in flames
Waiting for the call, the voice in my head
Ready for the fight, to death

The sound of the guns, are stuck in my head
Thunder of the bombs, dictates
Rhythm of the falls, the number of dead's
Rising of the troops ahead

From the dawn of time, to the end of days
I will never run, away
I like this feeling of pain and the bitter taste
Of the enemies blood on my lips, again

The deadly touch of sand, is burning my hands
I'm burnt to the bones, I am
A million miles from home, I'm walking away
I can't remember your eyes, or your face

1


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Latest Comments

  • Firstly, I like the simplicity of the title. I think it is really fitting for the piece as well as draws the reader in - if they are like me, they would definitely want to know what it could entail. Also I believe that the simplicity of the title is a nice and effective contrast to the content, as the poem itself is more complex particularly in detail.

    The imagery you have created with your words is vivid, a little shocking but also awe-inspiring. You have a real knack for word combinations, simple but superb. These images lead the reader on a whirlwind of emotion which ultimately draws us in hook, line and sinker and holds us until the very end. You have used some amazing description. Not only that, but it's fantastic to read a piece that uses more than one of the senses to describe in detail. Makes it all the more brilliant.

    That last line, some people may argue that it doesn't really fit, but I think it is a really perfect ending and it softens the piece immensely and again adds so much raw emotion. Love it.

    A few suggestions, and please feel free to ignore, but I feel it's my responsibility almost. So firstly, consider revising your capitals at the beginning of lines. I will admit I once stuck firmly to the believe that all beginnings should be capitalised until not all that long ago, and when I was told this I was completely irritated until I realised those commenters were completely right - it really helps the flow and overall general appearance of the piece.
    I also will suggest you watch your punctuation. In some cases it's completely unnecessary though I feel you have intentionally broken the rules of punctuation in order to give certain aspects of the piece more impact - which in itself is very creative, but just be mindful to not over-do it ok. One part that I feel needs to be completely removed is the apostrophe in "dead's" in the third stanza - the apostrophe and 's' is completely unnecessary I think.

    Ok, that seems like a lot, but it really isn't. You are a really talented writer which I will definitely be adding to my favourites. (:

    Five/five

  • 5 years ago

    by Jack Crimson Nightengale

    Good sir, there is more imagination to what you just read. The poem is based off of a song named Iron by the artist wood kid. Once again, the mind needs to be more open than what you just read.

  • 5 years ago

    by christopher

    Man you seriously need thearpy look for the good in this life

  • 5 years ago

    by Renegade Angel

    I saw what thousands of men saw, and that put a chill down my back. It breaks the heart. but this is touching and seering.

  • 6 years ago

    by Decayed

    Honestly, if you want... I can never get over unnecessary 'the's ..

    But in this piece, it wasn't the case.

    It's like amazing, really. Sherry brought this to the club and now I noticed. It's penned!

    I'm already full because of that scenery you've made: a warrior, fires around, heading to a battle, he doesn't know if he'd be back or not. So empowering and heartbreaking at the end.

    Cheers ~

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