O3

by Steven Croat   Jun 19, 2012


My steps disappear in smog.
Chimneys of death just smoke.
Blue sky,
Did you cry?

The painful chorus of trees break the air.
Everything becomes dark there.
Blood
flood,

Heat,burning forests, acid rain...
The Earth is a derailed train.
Change the world!
Let the bird fly free!

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Latest Comments

  • 11 years ago

    by Aubrey

    Nice:) I like it:)

  • 11 years ago

    by Steven Croat

    Thank you for cheking:)
    (I just learn the English)

    I will delete that "the" in the first line.

    In the second line , I want to used the "smoke" as a verb... I don't know is it wrong(?).

    The last line...I will corect it ...

    I would be really happy , if you read them before I submit them.

    Thank you! :)

  • 11 years ago

    by Hellon

    Well....you obviously care about the planet I can see?

    My steps disappear in the smog.
    Chimneys of death just smoke.
    Blue sky,
    Did you cry?

    In your first line...you really could just eliminate 'the'..it's not necessary
    in the second line...I think by asking a question it could perhaps strengthen your meaning..

    Chimneys of death or just smoke?

    The painful chorus of trees break the air.
    Everything becomes dark there.
    Blood
    flood,

    Heat,burning forests, acid rain...
    The Earth is a derailed train.
    Change the world!
    Let fly the bird

    ^^

    Your last line here is not 'proper'english but I do know what you mean...maybe

    let the bird fly free

    also...someone said further up to cut out these (...) but, as you can see...I love them haha!!! Wish I'd read it before you decided to dump them :)

    • 11 years ago

      by Steven Croat

      Thank you for cheking:)
      (I just learn the English)

      I will delete that "the" in the first line.

      In the second line , I want to used the "smoke" as a verb... I don't know is it wrong(?).

      The last line...I will corect it ...

      I would be really happy , if you read them before I submit them.

      Thank you! :)

  • 11 years ago

    by Xanthe

    Sorry, double posted (:

  • 11 years ago

    by Xanthe

    We don't usually have poems like this in this site, and reading this was like a breath of fresh air ;)
    I've been wanting to write a nature poem for a while now, and I must say this is inspirational. So thank you for sharing.

    Okay, I am taking into account that you don't know a lot of English. This poem shows you struggle with it a bit, and the rhymes were off at some parts. But I like the effort.

    The title was creative; it doesn't give much, making the reader want to read more.

    'My steps disappear in the smog.
    Chimneys of death just smoke...
    Blue sky...
    Did you cry?'
    ^ I don't think the use of ellipsis (...) was necessary. If anything, it was rather distracting. I suggest you use other punctuation (comma/semi-colon/hyphen) since ellipsis allows for a longer pause, and I don't think you need that here.
    Message-wise, this is a great opening. I like the personification of the blue sky.

    'The painful chorus of trees breaks the air...
    Everything becomes dark there.
    Blood
    flood...'
    ^ 'breaks' should be: break. Since the subject is plural, the verb should be singular. I didn't like 'there' in poetry, to be honest. Unless it is really needed. I would say expand on 'there', but since you are rhyming, it's okay I guess..
    I just don't like it when rhyming comes first in poetry instead of the message.

    '...Heat,burning forests, acid rain...
    The Earth is a derailed train.
    Change the world!
    Let fly the bird!'
    ^ this is a great ending. It holds a good message. I like the metaphor with the train, but I thought the last line was rather awkward in terms of syntax.

    Overall, it is well-written. A few tweaks here and there would polish this piece though. Great job

    • 11 years ago

      by Steven Croat

      Thank you for the comment,the analysis!

      This comment was really helpful for me because this comment shows all the problems...and gives good advices...

      I will polish it:)
      I will take out the ...

      Thank You again!!!

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