Comments : Ode to Burden

  • 6 years ago

    by Khalid

    What a thoroughly great poem Rania! I really loved it. Well I do have some critiques and I might be mistaken of some (or even all) of them

    'You plunge me' should be 'You're plunging me'
    'It overwhelms me' should be 'They overwhelms me'
    'why in the hell would empty
    hearts even' should be 'why in the hell empty
    hearts would even'
    'that sometimes, I fail to reach.' should read 'which, sometimes, I fail to reach.'
    'that unfortunately I fail to see' should read 'who I unfortunately fail to see'
    'It's been a long time, burden,
    so I decided to write you' should read 'It's been a long time, Burden,
    till I decided to write you'
    'Oh glorious Burden'

    This aside Rania, I enjoyed reading your penning.

    • 6 years ago

      by Rania Moallem

      Hey there thanks for your comment :) as to critique your comment haha...

      'You plunge me' should be 'You're plunging me'
      ^^I cannot use gerund form over here along with the present tense, I referred to the continuous tense to indicate that it started at an unknown period of time in the past, still going, and it might end at a certain time in the future scale,, while if I use you're which is the contraction of you and are, (verb to be in the present + ing) "plunging" it indicates the present tense without showing any reference to act as being continuous.

      If you asked me to change it to achieve parallelism with "dangling" then here I used he gerund for as a modifier not a verb, if you read again you would notice that.

      'It overwhelms me' should be 'They overwhelms me'
      The reflections do not overwhelm me, it's actually the action verb "hurl" the act is what overwhelms me. Hence we refer to it as "it".

      'that unfortunately I fail to see' should read 'who I unfortunately fail to see'
      no..ofcourse I was NOT referring to my head, lol, but I was referring to the mountains THAT...etc

      and this

      'It's been a long time, Burden,
      till I decided to write you'

      maybe if you read again you could have gotten it right, It's been a long time, burden...I did not say It has been a long time Burden till..big difference in meaning, I mean it has been a long time, as in being together, so I decided to...

      I was not referring about the time I decided to write.

      But thanks for trying, appreciated ^__^ I took off the modifiers that got you lost, anyway better without them.

  • 6 years ago

    by Tara Kay

    Nana...I am in awe of first the length put me off, I am not quite in the reading mood but saw you had posted a new poem and thought I'd try and comment...

    But reading it, I was thinking...this is deep, powerful, sad...and then the ending made me smile, some hope...among other things

    Nana, I love your writing, I love you and you are someone very special in this world


  • 6 years ago

    by Darren

    This is great, love the complex imagery you envoke with your fantastic word use. It flows really well, although it looks long when you read it, it doesn't feel long or drawn out, i am just sorry i can't give an in depth review as i am work, and should be working. I may take another look tonight though.
    Great write.

  • 6 years ago

    by Karla

    Some burdens are lovely.We want to carry them forever because they give meaning to our lives ad a sense of identity. Your piece speaks volumes to me. Stellar!

  • 6 years ago

    by L

    Ms. Sunshine,

    I have been trying to comment on this poem for a while but turns out that the more I search for words, the less I find them. What does that tell you? that if we play "hide and seek" and I'm the one looking, you probably won't be find by me. Ah, no wonder, I better stop looking for things in life. They will just come when I least expect them or will they? lol

    Okay, back to the poem.

    I like the way you started this piece, I see you were playing with the meaning of the words too. Very clever!

    So yeah, I like how you started,

    " you plunge me into storms that I cannot weather,"

    - Burden does plunges one into storms that we cannot wear away, until we slowly unload the heavy load upon our shoulders.

    So I see why you thank caffeine, it keeps you awake to finish all those heavy tasks. But sleep is important :-s and I will surely lament if I don't get any sleep.

    and also stress accumulates to make the task just tougher. Will it be fair to say that It debilitate us? but just as a work out, it make us weaker rather tired at first however, after a good sleep and some time, the muscles heal and one becomes stronger. So It could be the same with burden.. too much stress might weaken us for some time, but eventually, we end up learning more than we think.

    I like how you added the part about " you are the sun that keeps me wakeful and the night that never ends... " oh yes. Ironically, it is true.. Being awake till we finish the task.. In a way, it could be seen as the enlightenment of our minds .. if we are talking about the burden carried by school work.. but if it's the burden about paying bills and no money or other things, not so much.... So I believe that this type of burden that you are talking about is in reference to university. I could be wrong though...

    I also like the part about...

    around me
    above me
    under me
    beneath me

    It added this melody to this poem and also it tells me that burden is everywhere. It's part of you, and seems like you can't live without burden, it's a part of you and has make you "you". That's what I understood. So it could be seen sad... but I don't see it as such. And the reason why is because this piece specially for me, is seen by my eyes as a burden carried by school work and in a way I find it inspirational rather than sad. Hard work always pays.. if you know what I mean..

    See, you even find it in the happiest commas that you toss in your poetry.. so I really don't see this piece in the sad category.

    Over all, I see this piece as an Ode to the burden caused by school work. I could have misunderstood this piece but I love reading it.

    Awesome poem!

  • 6 years ago

    by Nema

    I'm envious! :) this is a really good piece masha'allah.

    I have some tiny comments though:

    "You plunge me into storms
    that I cannot weather,
    dangling your packs
    all over my welcoming shoulders.

    I thank you for the caffeine
    reflections that you hurl into my way,
    as I lament over myself-
    wide awake."
    I shall applaud you for your amazing opening stanzas, they were basically why I read the whole poem (besides the title, of course). I seriously especially love the second stanza. It was a great way to connect burden with wakefulness, since the burdensome is always filled with countless thoughts/feelings that render him sleepless. Exquisite.

    "especially that you make me
    Will you explain the slash between these two words? I'm not sure I get it.

    "It's been a long time together, burden,
    so I decided to write you
    an Ode that reflects a portion
    of my loyalty toward you,
    toward your presence inside me
    around me
    above me
    under me
    beneath me"
    The first lines of this stanza went a bit off the whole poem, but the second part is brilliant. I love how you convey the image/message of burden being everywhere near you like an imprisonment.

    I seriously love this! :)
    Shine on~