Monologue Of Realization (slam poetry)

I remember thinking that when I was sixteen
I could break free from the abuse
and take control of my own life.
I truly believed it would be this easy.
I could not have been more wrong.

They still control me.
I still relive the painful torture.
I still feel guilty.
I still feel abused.

All I ever wanted was to be a happy child,
to play with my toys and my friends
and feel safe to be in my own home.
But all I remember is the torture they put me through,
the games I had to learn and the rules I had to learn not to break.
The fear they planted inside of me which began to grow and grow.

When it was all happening to me I never understood.
I just knew what I learned and I had learned to just be good.
As I began to question the things they done to me,
there was no one I could ask,
there was no one there for me.

But all of this remained unseen and my life carried on through all this pain.

When I was sixteen,
I found out that it doesn't make much difference and nothing gets better.
I thought when I left my teenage years behind,
I could stop the torture and get back to my normal life.
The abuse may have ended but the nightmare was far from over.

I suddenly began to fear the world - everything was scary.
If this could happen once, twice, more,
then I believed it could happen to me at any time,
by anyone and no one would ever know.
The world itself became unsafe,
my life became an existence.
I started to hate myself,
blame myself and even attempt to kill myself.

For a long time now I have been unsure of where my life is at.
I thought I was getting better and moving on from the past.
Now I think I realise I am not in a better place
for my head is trapped in the past.

I want to move on but the memories and the aftermath keep me tangled in his web.

I still blame myself and I will not let anyone tell me it was not my fault.
I have shut off from everyone around me.
I shut off so I do not feel the pain any more.
I thought this was a good thing until I began to feel nothing
to the point where I now cannot feel love.
I could not love my friends,
I could not love my dogs
and I could not love myself.

My feelings are mainly numb until they burst out all at once
like a volcano erupting after years of being silently still.
I am deeper inside this whole than I have ever been
and I still continue to push away
the people who are trying to help me out.