Comments : The story behind her smile

  • 11 years ago

    by Tiffany

    This poem is sooo cute! I loved it! Great style and good choice of wording! I was heartbroken for a second when i thought he wasnt in love with her, but then it made me happy again! Great job!!!!

    XOX TIFF

  • 11 years ago

    by Jen

    Awww what a cute poem i loved it =]=]=]=]=]

    Weldone =]

    ~*~Jen~*~

  • 11 years ago

    by Marcus

    You clearly put a lot of heart in this poem and it shows so you deseve this 5/5

    (Oh and there's a falling star for everyone if thay are willing to look)

  • 11 years ago

    by Misstress

    Lovely poem, Ive enjoyed reading this one.I think some lines can be improve to make the flow even better..5/5

  • 11 years ago

    by Italian Stallion

    Wow, Very well written. The words used within and the emotions, were great. Keep up the good work.

    Ciao, Joe

  • 11 years ago

    by dollwithafrown

    That was so cute!

    At first I thought the start was a little choppy, it didn't flow as well as it could, but the second half was excellent.

    Good job.

  • 11 years ago

    by *Charisma*

    A beautiful poem. There were one or two parts where it was a little off, but I loved it anyway! Great job! Jpoet*

  • Beautifully written, great style, i absolutely loved it... 5/5

  • 11 years ago

    by goddess-glamourpuss

    The story was really sweet and the poem overall was presented well but the 1st and final stanza I find a little out of place. Personally I would remove them as I think the 'story' stands alone well but that's just my opinion

  • 11 years ago

    by twisted reality

    Aww! It's so adorable! I loved it! It was like true love! ^_^

    I liked this one mainly 'cause it's a story sorta poem. It tells a story, but still has emotion in it. You expressed your feelings very well in this. I felt as if it was me who this story was about. Don't ask me why. This has never actually happened to me before, but that's how your poem effected me.

    The flow was a little rocky here and there, especially in the last stanza. But the 'plot' and the lines were wonderfully thought out. The rhymes here and there seemed cliche, but overall, great job. =) 5/5 xoxo

    Samantha

  • 11 years ago

    by mrhope

    I dont like this poem at all, it maybe because we have different style?

    but i do think you are a great writer.

  • 11 years ago

    by Goran Rahim

    Oh god, as i read more of your poems i feel like im getting closer to your words, you write in a style that capture reader s attention. very well done and welcome to my favorite list.

  • 11 years ago

    by katie!

    Ok, lets get this party started.

    Right, on the whole, I thought this was a good poem. It was honest and you didn't attempt to fit loads of over the top vocabulary in it. Although this is a very often written about subject, I think you did a good job. You conveyed the emotions well, and the story was sweet.

    There were a couple of stanza's where the flow was a little bit interrupted

    "She lead him to a quiet spot
    Upon the fresh green grass
    They both sat down, she looked him in the eye
    And got up the nerve she needed to ask"

    I think it's the fact that the second lines are much longer, it just jolted me out of the story a little bit. Perhaps you could turn it into two stanzas? Or shorten the lines?

    "She noticed something kind of funny-
    He was acting sort of strange
    So she asked him what was wrong, he replied,
    "I'm having trouble with this change.""

    I think its just the "he replied" part that makes that line slightly too long. I'm not sure how you could change that though.

    Overall, I enjoyed your poem a lot, I think you wrote about the subject honestly and didn't make it over a top.
    Although the ending was a bit of a cliche, there is NOTHING wrong with that, after all, the cliches are simply the things everyone remembers because everyone can relate to them in some way.

    Keep writing. Hope this was helpful
    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXx

  • 11 years ago

    by ShhhhItsASecret©

    I can really feel the love you portrayed between the two characters in the poem. It's strong and it is real. The poem flows together quite lovely and the story is beautiful. I love that it was narrated and not just a "you" and "I" kind of poem. Those poems are a bit more difficult to write, because the observation has to be precise to have the poem make any sense at all.. And you did that very well, with some very good rhymes. I also like that the rhymes didn't seemed forced. I also like how you're rhymes weren't just simple like... "cat, hat" kind of thing, but different like.... "bit, lip" It's not a perfect rhyme.. and I like that, because it shows that you were more focused on the storyline. Keep writing you have a lot of potential! 5/5 from me.

    ~BJ~

  • 11 years ago

    by ShootingStar179

    She took a chance and made a move
    No inhibitions holding her back
    Just to see what he would do,
    She asked him for a chat

    ^^^^^^^totally killed the flow.

    By the fourth stanza and fifth, I was completely lost. What are you talking about? Expand!

    Oh man but the ending made up for it.

  • 11 years ago

    by Erica Jovie©

    Love it love it love it!! i think it is so cute when best friends grow into more!! keep writing!!

  • 11 years ago

    by Anonymous

    This poem is very cute, but I kind of saw the ending come. However, word choice, flow, and imagery OWN in this poem. I bestow you a 5/5.

  • 11 years ago

    by ForeverGoneInYourEyes

    That was truly awesome i love it

  • 11 years ago

    by MischieviousMya

    Awwe this is cute!!! =] thanx for the comment aswell!!

    P.S~maybe you can give me a line or two to change it =] hehe

  • 11 years ago

    by Bridgette

    I really like the story behind this one.. it's very sweet. The only problem I saw with this was the third line of the last stanza. It's much longer than the rest of the lines and reads kind of awkward, I think that it would work much better if you took off "and disappointment." that way, the flow would be much better and you'd still get your point across to the reader. Other than that, the flow was really good and held up well. Great job on this! 5/5 Keep it up!