House full of malice

The first step I took the was so shy,

^^ This sentence is a little messed up. >< I think it's suppose to be "The first step I took there was so shy" but I'm not sure. It could also just be "The first step I took was so shy".

And as I heard snakes I stepped behind,

^^ Stepped behind what..?

And found myself in front the house of loath.

^^ "loath" should be "loathe".

Intrigued, I opened the door and came in

^^ I think this would sound better if you said it like this: "Intrigued, I opened the door and went in".

Ready to see the deathful house of hate,

^^ You've already used the word "deathful" once to describe something. Maybe you could think of a different word..?

On the floor there were dead and not shining stars

^^ "not shinning stars" come on I know you can think of a better way to describe it. Hmm.. maybe dull or dim. Just suggestions though.

It was so cold. I felt disgusting smell of lies.

^^ I just had to say that I LOVED this line. Oooh, if only you could really smell lies, I bet they would smell disgusting.

Wow, amazing ending. It definitely caught my eye. The only thing you need to change was this:

I took it and put into the fracture in the broken heart,

^^ It should be: "I took it and put [it] into the fracture in my broken heart".

Overall this was definitely good for your first dark poem. It's better than a lot I've read. Sorry for all the critism. >< I'm just trying to help. I really did like it.

Keep writing!
Cayce

Wow, this poem was AMAZINGGG!
totally loved it, great job!

I don't like opening line cause you practically said the whole title in it and with start-there was- you left a negative impression on me, I don't like the tone of that line.
I like this piece but I think that would be much better without rhymes, they aren't necessary and they ruined a flow for me.
Sixth stanza threw me off, I don't like it. All in all ending stanza is very effective, you maybe changed the rhythm in last line too much but it still was good.
This isn't the most original poem that I've read, and I honestly don't want to offend you, this is all just my opinion, I enjoyed in this piece very much. Imagery is truly vivid and you did great job, overall, with your first dark poem!
Keep writing.

I really did enjoy reading this. It was kinda fun actually. Very interesting. Its a poetic story if I ever saw one. I was very mesmerized by the scenery you've provided in this. Great imagery. 5/5

I didn't really care for this poem, no offence, if you were telling this as a story then yes it would have made more sense, the poem just had an off beat throughout the parts that I had read. Like a word might have been added in one line but then taken off in the next, which made the flow akward to read aloud, and I think you kinda took something out and forgot to fix it in this line, "The first step I took the was so shy," Just read that, it's a bit awkward and all.

I think as a narrative this is alright but if this is a regular poem, and not a narrative poem, then remember you don't want to poke an eye with too many I's, or else you're just pounding this info into your reader's head that this is a first person poem, if we see the first and maybe a second I, we know that the narrator is talking.

As a story to tell to little kids, this type of description would work: The point blank tell all, feel all, say all. But for a dark poem, I kinda hoped that the description would be showing me instead of point blank telling me what the narrator was thinking or feeling such as:

The leaves were bleeding on my clothes,

What about the stain left on the clothing or maybe the torn fabric from a thorn: Was it then the narrator's blood playing tricks on them or the leaves in fact bleeding, mixing with their fear?

The room was large and full of shining lights,

Maybe you could have shown illuminating spheres or a ghostly glow around those smiles or the cold overtaking the darkness as the transistion faded in front of the narrator's face.