Mom...

Mom

I think I get it now
What you think when you think of me

I'm sorry I'm this way
I really am
It's true
But I know it must tear you up
To realize I've grown up
I've changed
And that the road you set me on
Was a mile the other way?

I don't really hate life like I tend to say
It doesn't always suck
Not each and every day

I know you think that I'm gone
The little girl you loved
Seems dead
I want to be the little girl again
The one who hugged you tight
And never let go
The one who looked up to you
I wish you realized I still do

Now I know why you told me to come to you
And why it was so important
And why everything I did was such a big deal
It must have broke your heart
Watching the one who used to wear little dresses
Wear long sleeves to cover the scars
On her arms

And now I get it
Why every time I ate so little
And said I wasn't hungry
You'd look at me with pained eyes
And smile
Thinking that your little girl
Is on the path to another disorder

And oh god,
I feel so guilty
Now that I know what you're thinking
You don't deserve it
That much is true
Mom,
Why can't I be like you?
You reached down with a hand for help
I slapped it away
And yet you still thought she still needs my help

I'm sorry what I do to you mom
I'm sorry what I make you think
I don't know how to change
Or stop or any of these things
I have this feeling deep inside
A hateful one
Not for you
Or anyone else
No matter how much I claim
It's for me
And it weighs more on me then any
Teen should carry over her heart and shoulders
It hurts trying to hide it from you
And watching you think the way you do
It hurts pushing that hand you give out time and time again
Away

But I can't go back to that office
Back to those long talks with that woman
It brings it out even more
But I can't stop leaving scars
And I can't eat another bite

I don't want to loose you
I don't want you to think you do
Mom I'm sorry
I'm sorry you look at me and see
Everything I failed to be
I'm sorry I failed
I'm sorry that little girl has fled
And left me for dead
I'm sorry the knife is just to alluring
I'm sorry that last bite is just too hard to swallow
I'm sorry you think I'm no longer your old daughter
I'm sorry

Mom I get it now
You love me
I love you
I'll say I hate you
And you'll think it isn't true
You'll see my scars
And think it's your fault
You'll over fill my plate
And watch as I don't eat
All the while thinking
I won't put that clean fork down with a clank
I really get it
And I'm sorry for it
Because I don't think there's anything I can do

A/N: I wrote this poem about a year and half ago. And I know decided since it has been so long since I posted a new poem and I might as well add it. This poem isn't about me, but about a friend who was having a hard time with her mother and coming to an understanding with her problems, like I was. Anyway she told me her story and I made a poem from it.