For a first poem, this is wonderful. the imagery is pretty strong and the flow is good. i don't usually like this style necessarily...the exactness of the rhymes sometimes seem forced. but for the most part, good job on the technicality.

The tears i cannot shed,
The life i feel is so dead,
And all the words left unsaid,
Will mean nothing, is what i dread.

^^while i hate it when people tell me to capitilize the word "i"...it's a good idea. the third line in this stanza is just wonderful..choking on the things we don't do..it's so common, really.

The sun sets on the hills,
The darkness does not kill,
The loneliness of this individual,
In the dark of night i still equal nil.

^^ this was my least favorite stanza in this poem..it just seemed kind of weak. i think it's the third line, how forced it sounds.

The moon rises into the night,
My happiness disappears out of sight,
The tears in my eyes, have no right,
In the darkness of this moons light.

^^ *hugs* this was my favorite stanza of this piece. it's very very relatable and the punctuation is good. ^.^ more stanzas like this, m'dear!!!!

I watch th stars explode in the sky,
As my tears all run dry,
On the cold hard ground i lie,
As my heart weeps, but, cannot cry

^^ i LOVE that first line. it's beautiful. and wow do i relate to the innability to cry...

wonderful job. keep working at it...you've got a lot of potential.

<3

Awesome work mate! I can really relate to the poem. Keep up the good work and i'll be looking out for more of ur poems ;-)
Hehehehehe :-P

There may have been a forced rhyme or two, but It wasn't very noticeable, and it flowed very nicely. Well done

Every flowed very well
nice riming n_n

""I watch th stars explode in the sky,
As my tears all run dry,
On the cold hard ground i lie,
As my heart weeps, but, cannot cry""

when i read this stanza i was like Wow that's deep! it was so awesome the whole thing. Keep writing i'll keep commenting...
this poem is on my favorites and so are you.

~Jo Anna EL

As my heart weeps, but, cannot cry. <--- my fovorite line it depicts great imagery. =) I really enjoyed reading this!

Wow thats so deep and heart felt

Wow!!
a beautiful write!!
i loved it, the last stanza was amazing.
it was a very deep poem, very truthful. i really enjoyed reading it.
keep up the nice work!