Blissful screams, laughter,
Sparkling through the air.
We skip joyously,
Through the grass.
Few years later, future arrives - Pain.
Tears roll down to replace laughter.
My eyes blur, as I watch.
Too young, to see a best friend,
Lowered - into the cold hard ground,
As wails of anguish sweep through the air,
Some, bubbling through my own clenched lips.
That night I cry, - want to run,
But know there's nowhere for me to hide.
I'm searching for options, and I slide open my window,
Climb through, and disappear into the night.
It' 4:00 a.m. and I'm back.
I'm pale, scared, my make-up smudged,
Clothes ripped, tired as hell,
Walking down the silent street,
A solitary figure,
The sun, soon to rise behind me.
My face is wet with tears,
But there's no one to see me cry, so it must be alright.
Yet it's not, and I know it.
I'm high, wanting to escape, but I can't.
He hit me I know, but I won't admit it.
I climb in through my window,
Scraping my knees on the way in.
I won' change my clothes yet,
Not quite ready I feel,
To survey the full extent,
Of the damage done to my body.
My previous feelings of ecstasy have been gone,
2 hours, far too long.
My legs crumple from beneath, too weak,
As I tumble onto the bed.
As soon as my head hits the downy pillow,
My eyes shut, and I don't dream.
When I awaken the next morning,
I can remember nothing.
My eyes are sore and crusted with make-up,
And I reach over to turn on the light.
It blinds me, and I run to the bathroom.
Bending over, excruciating pain fills my stomach,
And I throw up.
I stand up, and pull off my sweatshirt,
Look down and start to cry,
As I finally see the bruises,
And remember it all.
Later that day in school,
The purples and blues are artfully hidden beneath
The sweatshirt. "Aren't you hot?" they ask me "No." Sweat trickles down my neck. Looking out the window,
I see my brother in the street,
Talking to my man. I run outside and
"Back off B. Save it for tonight."The words I hear as I try to hug him.
Tears roll down, and my vision of happiness halts.
I'm broken, shattered, and the pieces of me are alone,
And strewn through the world like the glass beer bottles
That he drank from and smashed onto the sidewalk
I run to the bathroom, light up, and it's Ecstasy.
I'm good for now.
Later that night, I climb out my window.
Only this time, I fall.
The delicate skin on my arms tear,
It's torn, like the love letters I ripped up,
After I wrote them, so he would never see.
But I gather my strength and pick myself up.
4:30 a.m. and I'm back. It's the same old story.
I'm drunk and crying. High, just want to collapse.
But it's not time yet, so I sleep.
I wake up, go to school, and have to face my friends.
Bodies brush past, hurting my already tender skin.
Today, I can't hide the marks that he left.
Too obvious, on an 88 degrees day. So I don't.
Instead, I leave class, choosing to hide.
I sit in the bathroom, as emotion tears through my body, ripping my soul.
I know that he's left me to fall again,
Like the golden red leaves I used to see through his bedroom window.
Who knows if the beauty I once saw in him is still there.
I'm nothing but a shell, hollow and cracked.
It's destruction that sweeps through my mind,
Though my face remains still and calm.
I'm uncomfortable, so I go outside. On the street,
Stand a few young men talking amongst themselves.
By now, I'm shaking and cold, though it's now 95 degrees out.
My knees give way and I hit the pavement,
As my silent screams wrench through the air.
But something catches my eye.
Brushing away tears that only I can see, I run over.
"Can I have a hit?" Gratefully, I inhale. It's rapture.
I go home, floating on my high. But soon the thrill goes.
When I see the sun's last ray fade from the sky,
I climb out the window,
This time, scraping my knees on a few broken bottles.
But it's party time. I can feel it riding the wind, waiting for me,
So I brush the shards away, wincing as they cut deeper.
I run to his house, right way spotting him through the crowd.
But he's not alone. Another girl, a white girl, is with him,
Her hands wrapped tight around his neck. I'm a failure,
As a single solitary tear slips out of the corner of my eye,
A glistening pearl. Why can't he love me? What did I do wrong?
I don't understand. Why can't he love me?
I run outside and sit on the curb, trembling with anger.
I hear footsteps approach, and I look up, hoping it's him,
But it's not, and then it's like thunder.
I feel nothing, but a burst of fire surrounding every sense.
I'm not in pain, as I fly through the air. This, I know, must be true ecstasy.
