Wide Awake Road

Another winner in my book. My favorite thus far.

My eyes
They strain, to see through the rain
Back and forth through bloodshot eyes
They're color blind
And asinine
They see what I can't gain
---Very good start, it captured my attention and gained my interest. Great word choice.

I'm going for a drive my dear, don't know when I'll be back
I usually don't this time of night but right now I'm so mad
I know this turn is treacherous, I really should go slow
But speed is my demon and I'm on wide awake road

----Your chorus is very strong. I like that it's directed toward his/her "dear", I find it to be slightly condescending. In a good way, of course. Also loving the hint of losing control. It has a very nice flow to it as well.

Black water
My breathing, it seems to be seething
Back and forth through paper lungs
I'm ripped to shreds
And cut and bled
All this harm is done

So cold
This screaming
It seems to be freezing
Back and forth through crooked ears
It's freezing the sound
While I'm underground

----These two stanzas are full of pain and frustration. I think you are very careful about the words you choose and I appreciate that. The only thing I do not like is,
"I'm ripped to shreds
And cut and bled"
I found myself repeating the line, trying to make sense of it. I think the problem is bled...my suggestion would be something like, "I'm ripped to shreds
I'm cut, I've bled

'Cause there's no whispering sweet nothings
No more carvings in the tree
And that last message I left you is all you have left of me
No more conversations
No more late nights cuddled up
A twisted ball of metal and a heart...
A heart thats finally stopped

-----This is a good way to end the song. It gives a brief explanation to erase any doubt there might have been. It says this is definitely the words of a broken heart.

Overall, I think this was well-written and could make a great song. I like your work and will be reading more. 5/5.

-Rolo

Only a few thing in life have been able to make me cry, while I was eating.

I'm sorry to tell you that your poem is not going to be on that list. But this song will. No other thing in life besides, a really good movie have been able to get me to sream at a screen telling the main character "No don't do it."

I love how everytime the course appeared It held a sadder, deeper meaning than before.

Wow, I wanna hear this song! I can hear in my mind how it sounds, and it sounds great. There's some awesome imagery in here, which is very cool :D

My eyes
They strain, to see through the rain
Back and forth through bloodshot eyes
They're color blind
And asinine
They see what I can't gain

^^ This is a very vivid and effective opening, it grabbed me from the start. I love the rhyme within the second line, that's cool :D

I'm going for a drive my dear[,] don't know when I'll be back
I usually don't this time of night but right now I'm so mad
I know this turn is treacherous[,] I really should go slow
But speed is my demon and I'm on wide awake road

^^ This is one awesome chours, and I do like the idea of a wide awak road, waiting for you, watching every move you make.... great concept. I think there should be a comma in the first and third line, I added it like this [,] But overall, very good :)

Black water
My breathing, it seems to be seething
Back and forth through paper lungs
I'm ripped to shreds
And cut and bled
All this harm is done

^^ Again, another very strong verse, I like how the concept of water has carried on - rain in the first verse, and this black water here. Awesome :)

So cold
This screaming
It seems to be freezing
Back and forth through crooked ears
It's freezing the sound
While I'm underground

^^ Hmmm, not sure if this is a bridge or a verse but I like it, again with the 'back and forth' reoccuring, it's very good. I feel cold just reading it. Haha. Nice work!

<< For the second chorus, the stuff about the commas and everything else still applies :)

[']Cause there[']s no whispering sweet nothings
No more carvings in the tree
And that last message I left you is all you have of me
No more conversations
No more late nights cuddled up
A twisted ball of metal and a heart...
A heart that[']s finally stopped

^^ Awwww, this is so emotional, all the muddled feelings that can't be mended, a beautiful verse. I added some apostrophes in those things ['], so it can be perfect, it deserves it, favourite bit so far. The second last line - is the 'a' before 'heart' really needed? I don't think it is. Hmmms. You have a look :P

<< And then the final chorus, the commas and stuff is the same as the comment for the first chorus.

Overall, this is am impressive set of lyrics, that work very well as a poem too. I would love to hear this as a song, so if it makes it that far, stick a vid on YouTube or something (lol) and PM me a link, it sounds awesome.

Just to let you know, it sounds like the beginning bit of 'All My Life' by Foo Fighters...(for the verses anyway) That might not be what it was meant for, but in my head it sounds good like that XD

It gets a five from me, add those little changes and it will be perfect. Overall, the flow and occassional rhyme were perfect. I'd love to see some more lyrics like these :D

Keep writing,
Emily :)

Well written. I can't hardly critize it considering that it's lyrics and not a poem. Therefore the flow and all of that isn't quite how it would be in reality. I will say that you have great emotion and word choice. I think that you pieced this together quite well and as long as you know how to put songs together this will be an amazing song.

I liked the 'chorus' part of it. Especially the "But speed is my demon and I'm on wide awake road" Though, to me it should be 'a wide awake road' it seems as if it should be sung differently. Which of course, it is. lol for very noticeable reasons.

Well done.