Miss Strawberry

Friendship...or love? very nice :)

Sorry about the few typos in the comment above

Ok, in order to better yourself, and this applies to absolutely everyone, you need feedback - so here I am...

I love the concept. I wonder, how long did it take you?

The opening line really draws you in, sets a good focus to the poem. A little hard to explain... it almost takes you out of the poem. 'There she goes', you almost want to turn your head and see what you see.

ok, constructivecritisism of the piece - and there is a little bit. The second line: 'the secrets of many few human vanity'. I don't understand it. It's a a contradiction of terms with the 'many' and the 'few' and also doesn't seem to fit the subject of vanity. Perhaps; 'secrets of much human vanity', which sounds better English to me, although you could of course think of other, preferred alternatives.

'She hangs her head as if some memory withdrawn' - doesn't sound finished... the memory withdrawn does what...? for example... 'as if some memory withdrawn holds her captive'. The thought doesn't sound finished.

'a misery perhaps...' is nice - well not nice - good, and follows the withdrawn well, but again - something else is needed to complete the line... as above.

'swaying hips which wander spawn'. I don't really understand - onless you mean that it makes us wonder... rather than the walking, strolling 'wander', and spawn as in create. It's an unusual turn of phrase for a love poem - spawn always makes me think of frogs... or something evil and dark.

'sigh like corn' love it. very unusual - i lived near a corn field once and the idea of wheat and corn sighing is strangely realistic - sighing in the wind - it's very nice.

'She flies on, to my pulmonary space,' ok i must confess this has me confused... I understand 'pulmonary's is something relating to the lungs? Do you mean she affects your breathing? or hitches breath?

'like a horse on a race' - in a race?

'and steals,what you call your "inquiring mind".' = i love this line. It again brings you back to the core of the poem - i really like the wording of it.

'of the girl even the grass blinks without brewery' - again confused Jemma here... the grass blinks sounds incomplete... blinks at? althought why would it blink... is blinking reverential? bowing, sways to? I wasn't sure. without brewery... a brewery is where beer is made... er, without brewery, do you mean unrefined? left to natural progression...?

'somewhere near my heart-sailing in friendShip is MISS Strawberry'. I think you need a comma in there, to say 'somewhere near my heart, sailing in friendship, is Miss Strawberry', otherwise the 'heart sailing in friendship' becomes a place in itself.

Well, I really liked it. I think it's a lovely poems with some nice wording, and it conjures very plesant imagery of this girl. What do you think about it?

I hope some of this comment was useful; i really tried to be helpful.

Jemma

Your poems are good but some of them lack spirit...have you ever felt what you write about? or are you just looking at how other people discribe it...

you need to relate a bit more with ppl...

also..try spell check...nothing personal but some of your poems have a tone of probmes...

but thats ok..you'll get better with time and experience...

Very good and quite beautiful! 5/5