Poor young girl

by Jessica Evelyn Maxwell   Aug 5, 2008


Innocent yet blamed
she curses this rain
she hates all this pain
she is always so ashamed

lost and confused
she wanders the halls
everytime she tries to stand she falls
her is ego is always brusied

hurt and hated
she wonders if anyone cares
she cant handle their stares
this mess she thinks she created

depressed and broken
she wants to be loved
but she is only shoved
and some words are left unspoken

abused and neglected
she can't handle the pressure
a pain not needed to endure
she is forever effected
forever dejected
forever decomposed

**random poem, wrote it quickly on the spot.. so its really bad.. lol.**

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Latest Comments

  • 15 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    First of all, this poem isn't bad, its good, but there are a few suggestions that I have for you:

    "Innocent yet blamed
    she curses this rain
    she hates all this pain
    she is always so ashamed"

    That first line drew the reader into this piece, as it explained the girl, but the next couple of lines really didn't grab the reader's attention. The main thing I noticed in your poem, was how many times you wrote "she". Repeating this so many times ruined parts of the poem for me, so try substituting other words instead. Something like this:

    "Innocent yet blamed
    she curses the rain
    hating all this pain
    always so ashamed"

    Using "she" a few times is alright, but you over-used it.

    "lost and confused
    she wanders the halls
    everytime she tries to stand she falls
    her is ego is always brusied"

    This was good, but just place a comma after "stand". This is just a suggestion, but if you want, you can replace "always" with "forever", because you already used it. That is, if it doesn't mess up what you intended to say.

    "hurt and hated
    she wonders if anyone cares
    she cant handle their stares
    this mess she thinks she created"

    First line: I think you could add more to this, try adding another descriptive word.

    Second line: Change "she wonders" to "wondering".

    Third line: "cant" should be "can't".
    Change "she can't" to "just can't".

    "depressed and broken
    she wants to be loved
    but she is only shoved
    and some words are left unspoken"

    Second line: Change "she wants" to "only wanting".

    "abused and neglected
    she can't handle the pressure
    a pain not needed to endure
    she is forever effected
    forever dejected
    forever decomposed"

    Very powerful ending, such emotions are flowing through. 4/5 from me, take care....

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