Over the Edge

by Shinobi   Oct 16, 2008


Thoughts about a spent life time come to mind
Those painful memories of past mistakes aren't fake
Moments inevitable with spirit and flesh combined
Should I stand up and fight for my own sake?

Instead, laying thus reliving events of the past
Remembering the joy once filling a whole heart
Now hoping for my wounded spirit not to last
Longing reluctantly toward a fresh start

Hollow again, lacking in both spirit and will
Moving on would split emotions so deep
Awaiting an awakening, wishing to heal
Dark inside, my soul calmly starts to weep

Out of a dying present, blooms one black rose
Standing for painful memories which will remain
Symbols of despair growing inside
Cutting flesh and bones, leaving me insane

Currently standing over a bottomless pit
Yearning to swallow what's left of this shell
Crossing a narrow bridge trying not to slip
As the road down leads to a fiery realm in hell

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Latest Comments

  • 15 years ago

    by Hollymariee

    I have nothing bad to say about this , it really is flawless . I love the imagery and wording , it's all really good . Keep writting , 5/5 from me .

  • 15 years ago

    by Stephanie

    First, I'd like to say that I like the rhyme scheme you chose. Most people cannot pull off the abab rhyme scheme without making it seem forced but you did it very well.

    I do feel as if you used the word 'spirit' one too many times. So maybe try to mix it up a bit..?

    "Cutting flesh and bones, leaving me insane"
    - I don't care much for the usage of 'leaving' here, I would replace it with 'driving'. But hey, that's just my preference. x)

    Overall, this was a quite enjoyable piece of poetry. The emotions were strong and clear, the flow was smooth throughout the poem, and your word usage was quite nice. Amazing job on this one. :] 5/5

    Take care,
    Stephanie

  • 15 years ago

    by Dark Savior

    Very good poem. I liked the very descriptive manor in which you did the poem. I also liked the fact that you didn't use huge words to try and make it seem like your better or know more than the average writer, points to you.

    I felt that it might be in the wrong category. This poem seems a little dark to me, but I don't know if it's just the way I am perceiving it, or if it is indeed in the wrong category.

    Really liked this poem and hope to see more of the same stature from you.

    5/5

  • 15 years ago

    by Hollymariee

    Other than one stanza , the flow and rhymes are really good .
    Out of a dying present, blooms one black rose
    Standing for painful memories which will remain
    Symbols of despair overcoming inside
    Cutting flesh and bones, leaving me insane

    Because the rest of the poem rhymes abab , you should do the same here . The emotions are really strong , and the wording is fantastic . 5/5

  • 15 years ago

    by ether

    "Moving on would split emotions so deep
    ..
    Dark inside, my soul calmly starts to weep"
    Basic rhyme, souls always weep in sad poems etcetc.

    I guess the way you used the black rose is original but the idea of the black rose and the white rose withering, isn't very original.
    However I do commend you on putting colours into the poems, it's nice to know you can place blacks and whites into the right context.
    Although, refering to the third line of that stanza, you don't need to tell that to the reader, they should be able to figure it out.

    I really don't like the word yearning. I think hoping would suit better, it rolls off the tongue easily.

    Also, I think that punctuation at the end of some lines would be so much better. It improves flow and it makes some lines seem more final if they have a fullstop at the end of them or other forms of punctuation, not just the comma.

    I did like this, though. Grey seems a little draining as the background, but in this case, I think it was the poem, which isn't quite the effect you're looking to give the reader.
    Just watch your originality in future, and tread carefully with vocab.

    I do think that whatever I haven't already pointed out is good. I like the general imagery created and some of the ideas, for example standing at the bottom of a bottomless pit. Refreshing.

    This isn't a bad poem at all, sorry, I focus on the lesser parts too much.
    I think you did a great job, and your flow is damn fine. 5/5

    jess ~