On my mind

.
The metal is ice cold
In my hands;
I grip it tighter till
My knuckles turn
White and my
Heart beat slows
.
I hope it doesn't hurt
.
A thousand thoughts,
Possibilities,
People
Come to mind
And I wonder if
What i'm doing is
Right
.
And I wonder who would even care
.
Giving myself time
To think;
To maybe think this through,
I wait
.
I think about you
.
I cock the gun
Because
I hate you
I hate that I loved you
.
That I love you
.
The taste of metal
In my mouth,
The cold, hard hands
Of death;
Maybe I want this to hurt
Me; and whoever
Finds me
.
I hope you're the one that finds me
.
I close my eyes
And breath in
And out and in and
Out;
Counting each second
That passes,
My thoughts still stuck on you
.
My finger ready at the trigger
.
It's sad
How much of my life
I spent thinking of
You; it's sad that
You'll never know
.
That the last thing on my mind
Was you
.