My Wounded Warrior(rap)

I must restate:

You did outstanding on this. I can sort of relate to this.

Continue your marvelous peices!

Excellent in deed. One of the best i read from you so far. The rhyme flows well. All i can say i enjoyed my read. Keep it up, 5/5, kel.

Excellent job =] This is a very good rap, it's actually better than half of the crap you see on t.v these days! The flow works really, it made it a much more enjoyable read.
You also put a lot of emotion into this piece and that gave the rap more depth.
Excellent job

Kind of long, but then again raps tend to be pretty long, so that is fine. I personally am not into rap, but overall your "rap" was very well thought out and well written. You deffenitly put a lot of thought into this, and it shows, great job!!! Loved your wording as always, keep up the great work.

Peace, Joe

"Yeah she's fighting the greatest war alone,
In her mind ,all her past written in stone,
and only in my arms her emotions to be honed,
She cries when she tries to go back home."

-This first verse really got to me, because the emotion felt very real. The every line having the rhyme was very good, it didn't sound basic to me.

"and All of my tries to scratch my own line,
I try and try, till i know it'll take time
I know shes lied, it's the only thing that lets her get by
From the next feelings that she wanted to die."

-Considering this is a rap, at this point i'm trying to imagine a beat to go to it. Here the rhyming felt a little forced, but it still flows.

"I'm not an option to her, nor a want or a need,
I am the answer to her final dying plea,
Shes not alone, I to was done,
Looking to God, maybe even his son."

-This verse really stood out to me, because it shows me this girl's true feelings, and where you are turning to. It lets the reader know how much this girl needs you. The word choice here is simple, but the fact that it is simple makes it more powerful.

"With head down, She walks up to her apartment door
with her eyes already red, dried out and sore,
parents fighting, with broken glass on the floor,
It's neva eva been this dam bad before"

-I like this because it shows me why the girl is going through so much pain.

"She ducks, and quickly runs down the hall
Another tear also starts to fall,
A tear crashes to the floor so loud,
Her momma asks, "what did he do now" ,

Her voice wavers, "Nothing I swear."
"He's my savior, yeah The guy actually cares."
She stomps off, shattered glass in her hair,
Another prayer, once again a young girl cries, "

-The imagery here is very effective, I can purely imagine this happening.

"Due to her past, a new love drops like a mortar,
To many lies, she puts them in chronological order.
Scars and memories, to much history,starts to impede
what she really desires and wants us to be."

-I get a real glimpse into her mind here,and how her past has affected her.

"yeah Breakdown, Fall down, yelling out,
It's not a fight, but she cries without a doubt,
and it's Escalated, Elevated, Brought up-on to,
No matter what you do baby, I'm still Gunna love you,"

-This verse when put to music, I think will sound ok, thanks to the adjectives, when you're just reading them, they aren't to emotional, but that may be the point?

Chorus 1:

"Two weeks later, not mistaken with haste,
but still given, with my a-ma-zing grace,
With her in my arms, a practical proposal,
So many more words still lying at my disposal

I hear her crying, her eyes red and swollen again!
"I'm not use to someone trying, since when,"
I try to stop her, tears continue to roll softly,
She continues crying, keeps talking strongly and promptly."

-The time frame change here is pretty remarkable, I mean the reader never learns what happens in those 2 weeks but it leaves me guessing, and leaves us with wonder.

"Over the phone you end up calling me beautiful,
While my whole life, I've felt drowned out and pitiful,
Every day now I cry, It's like my damn ritual."
As She looks up, chokes up, once again I gotta hold her up."

-The rhyming here is what makes verse stand out. It actually sounds like a saying almost.

"The tears stop as she goes cold and limp,
her battered broken heart is still barely beating,
I lay her down quickly looking around, they all finally see that my love is profound!
I reluctantly cry, about to concede, with a grief laden sinful suicidal deed,"

-I didn't understand this part to well, because you don't really describe how she tries to take her life or when, it just kinda happens.

"She wakes up, with everybody still staring,
it goes quiet, outside we hear the ambulance blaring,
Your heart Still sick, you hear me yelling and swearing,
"I'm goin with her, Why can't you hear my heart tearing!"

An hour later, she starts to cry again,
She looks at me , as she sees her parents walk in,
"Baby I don't know where I should begin,
Will you take my hand and live with me till the end?""

-These are very well written, it shows the love she truly she has for you, I think you can feel the emotion strongest here.

"Braved, and saved, history's a mystery that also starts to fade,"

-I like how this is worded very much, and how its so true, honestly, these 2 lines could realy make this whole rap well known

Chorus2:

"Chorus: Forever Wounded, Fall apart, Breaking down, Burning heart
Diseased homes, Break apart, With my hand, I help you stand.

Chorus 2: Forever mended, Fall in love, Break the wall, Flying doves,
In our home, we try to start, a new slate, two scarred hearts.. "

-The evolution of this girl and this guy, but mostly the girl was astounding. The way you ended it should not be changed it works very well.

I am not to into rap these days, because of all the sex and just how rap has lost its meaning, but this rap.... was phenomanal. I mean you change the whole definition of rap into something beautiful and sad. What I like about your writing is that you take risks, and writing a rap was defintely a risk, but you did it with grace. I would listen to this song if you recorded it. Throughout this I had to remember that this was a rap and not a poem, so I didn't critique as hard on word choice or rhyming. Flowed very smoothly, and was an awesome piece to read.
You deserve,
5/5