My Shattered Dreams

Kuya, this is soooo good!

Content is more important than flow, remember this in future writing. Before I start, it's hard to analyse a poem like this as they are being written faster than blog entries on the internet but if you're writing for self expression for personal response then I guess that's fine.

'Looking past the shallows
Beyond the rocky beach
Not a star in the sky
Nothing for me to reach'

A lot of poems start with the persona's contemplative state - this wasn't bad really to be honest; if we take out the last two lines since I've lost count of how many times the stars are relevant in love poems. Let the mood of the environment speak about the narrator - for example if the sea is rough, it could suggest harboured anger. Play around with that. Weather is a great tool, not just subjectively.

'A walk toward the shore
The sky's reflected on the sea
A glance at what's below my feet
My own image is incomplete'

What is this stanza actually adding to the poem? The first two lines are obvious since you established you were on the beach. Are you standing in the sea? I only really liked the last line here. It's the only bit in the stanza that offers something to the reader.

'Droplets ripple the Picasso
But not a cloud is in the sky
My hand brushes my face
And I realize the rain is mine'

Sorry but I'm guessing you're fond of that first line? It really doesn't fit the tone or your wording previously. It's a bit out of context too; it also undermines the rest of your lines since they appear inadequate next to it. The lack of punctuation here is also quite frustrating since there's no way you let us know when to stop or to take something in.

'Feels like I've aged a hundred years
Since i last held you tight
A permanent frown I've worn
Over the thousand lonely nights'

'Peramanent frown' is clumsy, and 'thousand' is too overdramatic. It's as if the narrator is doing that stupid overexagerration, that never really stated anything, and in a poem you need to be as communicative as possible. Also a thousand lonely nights doesn't fit with 'aging' a hundred years.

'I promised you a quiet life
Much like the peace right now
A spartan environment,
Two children and a house'

How does 'spartan environment' work? You should put 'I promised you a spartan lifestyle' but that wouldn't fit your flow I suppose.

I don't really you'd benefit much from me picking apart this anymore; I'm afraid it goes quite cliched with the 'favourite photograph', the 'good-byes' and 'I love you's'. You have to realise these poems are being written every day. Step out of the box and try something original.

Thanks for the share. Understand this is 'criticsm', I'm not just 'bashing' your work.

Wow this a very beautifully written. i loved it. You have a gift with words. Keep it up hun. Shanik

This is really good(:
i could feel the emotions.
keep writing ^^