Dystopia

This was a very interesting poem to read and the first thing I have to congratulate you on is your word choice. You used some very deep and descriptive words that are a bit un-used and un-heard of, I liked how you went beyond what was expected, you went all out on this one. I had to read this over a couple of times to get the meaning, and you did very well on this challenge. It was quite different and unique to read, keep that up!

5/5 from me, take care..

~MaryAnne

Hmm. I think this piece is much better now with the changes you made to it after Dan's comment. As you know, I loved the draft you showed me before you finished writing, and I must say, the finished product is one hundred times better.
I thought the repitition of "maternal deprivation" was worked in nicely, as was the usage of parentheses.
"(Psychologically underdeveloped
he yearns for a loving figure;
but an interpersonal relationship
diminished before his very eyes.)"
This bit was probably my favorite stanza from the poem. The last two lines tugged at me, which, since you were trying to make your reader feel, is a good thing.
Overall, I think the approach you took to this challenge was admirable. It isn't an easy topic to write about, and I think you pulled it off. Good job babe.

<3 Skye

Wow this poem is amazing. I like how you penned this down. The words that you used was superb.I don't really know what else to say other than I'm blown away by this masterpiece.Brilliant Job

Had some great bits in here Joe, but you stated to me that you wanted to have an emotional effect on the reader? This was only acheived moderately due to the language of this piece, granted it was very futuristic, very abstract but using language like that detaches ther reader. Wordsworth used language everybody would speak and understand and conveyed his images better. It doesnt make this a bad poem, just stating some feedback.

'Psychoanalysis now begun,'

Syntax error, 'now begun' doesn't make sense. 'Has now began' or 'begins' or 'has begun' would be alternatives.

'Separated at his birth,
for human psyche studies.
Soft little cries escaped
from his frail petite face.'

First two lines were fine but as the narrator you need to not zoom in on the character of the baby because the narration is too distant for that. 'Frail petite face' was a strange image. Bit..overstating. Language changes too much. Be better if you stated what happened to the baby instead of stating his reactions to something we don't know in detail what is happening.

'evaluation process:
blank pallet.'

Liked that, was a strong image.

'Extinguishing vital flames
necessary for mentality. '

Too abstract though. Bit too much of a fortress of linguistics there.

'A blanket of love - lost,
he'll forever search.
A face of despair
he wants to release.'

Take out 'lost' as it's partially unfitting. Should be 'he'll search forever', and how does the narrator know he will search forever?

'An interpersonal relationship,
he dreams of once experiencing.'

This last line messes up the stanzas flow a bit, take out the fact he dreams of experiencing. Dreams = hope and you wanted to convey helplessness.

'Written in fourteen languages
the monograph is now complete.
Maternal deprivation:
irreversible.'

I liked the ending but the stanzas above could be considered confusing. Just need to tame the language and perhaps adhere to any suggestions I've made.

Good job though :)